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[winn]

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[passingthrough]

[Accusation? What?] I hope so.

At first he just backed away from me repeating that he was sorry. He put his hands over his head like I was going to hit him.

[winn]

[ it's what happened with him that's probably making sascha the most miserable. and while he talked to the sheol about it, he's yet to contact sascha. he can't bring himself to do it, because he doesn't know if he has it in him to give sascha what he needs. he can't tell him he's not afraid - because he is, and his actions will show it. and if sascha tries to tackle him, as he used to (which he never liked) - he doesn't trust himself not to scream. sascha's small and broken and afraid - and he's sitting here and not doing anything about it. ]

And then? [ he's letting her talk because she needs to, but staying detached himself. because he needs to. ]

[passingthrough]

[She knows this has to be hard for Winn too. She just didn't want to keep it from him any more than she already did. And she believes in his good heart. But she also doesn't want to put too much weight on him. Like he said. He's not a superhero. Whatever that means. As if people with powers are just naturally better at this. She definitely doesn't feel better at this.]

I told him it wasn't his fault and tried to comfort him. He was afraid we'd all hate him now.

[winn]

[ it's less about the powers and more about the being used to deal with the constant peril. winn's not used to being in danger. yes, some bad things have happened to him, but on the day to day he just sits behind his computer. he hasn't developed coping mechanisms to having his life constantly threatened yet. he's not sure he wants to find out who he'll be once he does.

it's difficult to be there for someone else when you're jumping at every little noise. ]

And you told him we don't.

[ don't ask me to go over there he quietly begs. please, ask me anything but to go over there. he can't, he's not ready. ]

[passingthrough]

Of course. [She nuzzles a little against his neck.]

I also told him he can't come to the Windrose or the Tourist unless someone invites him but that he can call me anytime he wants. [Asking Winn to see him or even talk to him is the last thing on her mind.]

[winn]

I'm sorry.

[ what happened to him and sascha was the atroma's fault. what's happening now is his fault. he's not bouncing back quickly enough - he always bounced right back, why isn't he bouncing? ]

[passingthrough]

What? Why are you sorry? [She pulls back enough to look at him, gently smoothing back his hair.]

[winn]

I'm the reason things can't go back to normal.

[ he knows how much she loves sascha, how much she wants to make this better for him. he's why she has to hold back. ]

[passingthrough]

No. [She rests her hand on his cheek and looks into his eyes if he'll let her.] Winn, this is not your fault. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and it needs time to heal.

[She loves Sascha a lot. She loves Winn even more. And she wants to make it better for both of them.]

[winn]

[ it takes a little prompting, but he lets her. it may be illogical, but he really needed to hear that, that kitty doesn't blame him. it doesn't stop him from blaming himself or worrying that deep down, if he takes too long, she'll start to resent him - but it's still something he needed to hear. ]

Can he even understand any of this? [ it feels like pushing away a child, like causing irreparable damage. he doesn't want this on his conscience, but there it sits all the same. ]

[passingthrough]

[She shakes her head.] I think he just knows he did bad things and feels terrible about them. He knows he remembered his past, but he can't remember what he remembered.

[winn]

[ he's glad he doesn't remember. if he never hears from the sheol again it would be too soon - he wasn't evil, but he creeped him out in a way he's never experienced before.

but guilt is a terrible feeling. and not knowing why you're feeling it...he's not sure if that's better or worse. he's not sure if he's feeling better or worse, when you reach a certain level of suck the fluctuations just fade into the background. ]

How's his crew treating him? Is he safe, did anyone make any threats?

[passingthrough]

He hurt Nami when he was different and she's on that ship. I'm not sure how things are between them, but I think Bigby is still watching out for him. He didn't mention any threats.

[In a much smaller voice.] But I did.

[winn]

[ he's about to respond saying that nami didn't sound like she was going to hurt him when he spoke to her -- when he catches that last part. pulling away, eyes narrowing, he feels like he might be experiencing some sort of psychotic break. ]

What did you just say?

[passingthrough]

Winn... [Her throat feels small and tight.]

I went to see him. Before he changed back. I wanted to check and make sure everything was locked up tight. But then I just...

[Obviously feeling all kinds of guilty about this.]

I was so angry at him and myself and hurt and betrayed. I was so mean to him. [A tear rolls down her cheek and she brushes it away because she doesn't get to cry about this. Not about hurting someone else.]

[winn]

And you threatened him?

[ he knows how terrifying kitty can be, he caught a glimpse of it when she pulled sascha halfway through the door when he woke them up that first time, and then she was just cranky.

it feels like everything stops - his heart, his lungs, everything freezes, and he goes cold. he can understand how she was feeling, he'd feel the same watching her go through what she's had to watch him go through.

but he wouldn't have acted on it. no wonder sascha was so afraid of her.

still, as terrifying as a threat is, it's only a threat, right? ]

What did you say?

[ he's trying not to focus on the fact that it's one more thing she told him about after the fact - but it's hard not to. if she says she wasn't hiding it from him one more time it may be just be the last straw. ]

[passingthrough]

I hit him. And I yelled at him. I don't remember everything I said. Something like, "he loved you. how could you do that to him?" [The words hold no rage now. No venom. The hurt is there, but it's a different kind of hurting.]

[She wouldn't tell him that this time. She was hiding it. She was afraid to tell him. She's still afraid. She can see how much this is bothering him, but she doesn't know what he's thinking. Is it that he's with a monster or is he feeling guilty for being the catalyst or upset that she upset Sascha or something else. She doesn't know. But they're all fair.]

[winn]

You hit him?

[ he sucks in a breath and rubs his face. why. why does this keep happening. why does he have to walk around worrying about the well being of someone who assaulted him, why can't it just be understandable that his girlfriend punched his attacker?

he stands up, and paces across the room, stopping with his back turned to her on the furthest side of it he can get.

it's can't just be understandable because he was already neutralized. he was cooperating. she didn't have to do this, no one was at risk, in fact it was putting everyone at risk in case he reacted badly to it and stopped cooperating. it was stupid and cruel and he hates thinking that she has that in her. he knows she's done bad things, but there was always a reason to them. this was senseless, it accomplished nothing. it was violence for the sake of violence.

that she performed in his name and hid from him. is she telling him now because she felt bad keeping a secret from him, or because seeing sascha filled her with guilt and she's expecting him to comfort her about it? how can he? this isn't alright. he can't tell her that hitting the sheol was ok any more than he can tell sascha that trying to kiss her was ok. it's not. ]

Was it one punch, or did it escalate. [ he's disappointed, and upset, and guilty, and betrayed, and mostly just exhausted. things were much lonelier when he only had kara in his life. but they were also simpler and he can't help a bit of longing for those days that bubbles up. ]

[passingthrough]

[It hurts when he moves away from her, but she doesn't try to cross the distance.]

One.

[She's feels bad and guilty for all of it. And sure she'd like comfort, but she doesn't really feel like she deserves much less does she expect it from Winn when he's already stretched so thin.]

Winn, I'm sorry.

[winn]

[ one. well, that's something at least. at least she didn't allow himself to get any more carried away, though he's sure the sheol's calmness had a lot to do with that. ]

You can't do this, Kitty. There's a line. He was contained, he was cooperating, he wasn't a threat on anyone.

[ it scares him, because if she could do it to sascha - who he knows she loves - what is she going to do if someone she's indifferent towards, or even hates, malfunctions and comes after him next? he turns back to face her, clearly distraught. ]

We have to be better than this, we can't just -- let our emotions control us. What's gonna happen next time? I can't be your reason for crossing over to the dark side, Kitty, I won't be.

[ you can't ask him to live with that. ]

You're better than this. You know you are. [ is this his fault? is he screwing with her judgment? his voice cracks. ] I know you are. The X-men don't stand for senseless brutality. They stand for keeping people safe.

[passingthrough]

It's not your fault. It's on me.

I shouldn't have done it. [But she's not sure she's better than this. In a lot of ways she's better now than she's ever been or at least ever been since she became the X-Men's shadow assassin. She's trying to adjust to living in a kinder, gentler world and she's doing better but there are set backs.]

But you can't have me on that pedestal. [Not judging. Pleading.] I'll fall. [Eyes tearing up again as her voice cracks. She doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want him to look at her like a monster. But she wants him to see her for who she is. She's not like Kara.] I told you I've done things. I'm trying. I want to be better for you. For me.

[winn]

I know you've done things - but those people were on the loose, they were hurting others, and there was no system left to deal with them. This is different Kitty, tell me you see that this is different - not hurting someone out of sheer vengeance, when they're not a threat to anyone - that shouldn't be too high a pedestal for anyone.

[ his heart feels like it's gone from 0 to 90 in a second, and everything starts to feel dim, unreal somehow. all the emotional and physical stress he's been under finally catches up with him now, and he feels like he might collapse, but he stubbornly ignores it.

he doesn't want to lose kitty. but he can't live in fear of what she'll do if something goes wrong. how is he supposed to trust her, to confide her with his pain when it encourages her to act so blindly? ]

I know who you are in your heart - but you have to know it too. I believe in you, but for anything to change you have to believe in yourself. I can't do this for you.

[passingthrough]

I do see it. And I'm not trying to excuse it. I'm not. I just...

I want you to understand me. All of me. Where I'm from there was so much violence and fighting all the time. It wasn't just with enemies, you know? We were training and sparring together as a team. A family too, and it was hard to express emotions but there was that outlet and I know it's twisted and backwards but so much got driven into it and I know it's not how to act now. But it still feels that way sometimes.

It doesn't make it right, but do you get that at all? [She's not trying to blame him here. She understands if he has trouble with it. She had some good years as a child that makes it easier for her to relate, but how can you really understand the bleak, constant danger until you've lived it? But she does believe in him and she wants to believe that he'll try for her. Because he loves her.] That it's different for me? That just because the world changed around me doesn't mean I could change just as suddenly?

[And ironically, if Sascha had been a stranger or someone she already had problems with it would have been easier to hold back. As it was, this was also such a personal betrayal. And while part of her still says pre-Sascha deserved what he got she knows Sascha in no way deserves those memories. And Winn definitely doesn't deserve any of this.]

[winn]

That's not sparring, Kitty, that's assault. I get needing to take out your frustrations, I do - I even do it. When I got upset and wanted to punch someone I knocked on Jim's door and asked for a lesson.

[ he walks up to her, his whole body shaking with the emotion, and the effort to stay clear and standing. cupping her face, he tries to coax her to look him in the eyes. ]

The world sucks, but we can't let it define us. There are some things you can't take back - and I know you'll always want to. This has to stop. And if we need to get you help to do it - we'll get you help, but Kitty, I won't accept that, I can't accept that, that's as good as giving up on you. I can't let you do something you'll end up regretting. Do you get that at all? Do you get what could have happened, if he'd reacted badly to that punch? If it had developed to a full scale fight? You need to express your emotions - talk to me. Yell at me. Punch a punching bag, or spar with Jim or Kara or any of your friends. You don't hurt someone when they're already down. That's a line we don't cross.

[passingthrough]

[It's a mix of understanding what he's getting at and why he'd be worried and still feeling like he's overreacting. It was a single punch that couldn't have done him any lasting damage. It's the words that feel more hurtful to her. Not that they weren't true, but she doesn't want them to resonate with Sascha when it wasn't his fault.

And hearing him talk about getting her help makes her feel so...broken and wrong. Which are both things she thinks about herself sometimes already, but Winn has never made her feel that way before.

So, she's glad he's close and that he's touching her, but she also feels a little sick about what he's saying. Is she worse off than she even thought? Is this him reeling and overreacting? She isn't sure and she feels like he doesn't understand. She couldn't feel further off the pedestal right now.]

...Why are you treating me like this? It was one time and I almost lost you. [Her voice just sounds defeated.]