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[winn]

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[winn]

That's not sparring, Kitty, that's assault. I get needing to take out your frustrations, I do - I even do it. When I got upset and wanted to punch someone I knocked on Jim's door and asked for a lesson.

[ he walks up to her, his whole body shaking with the emotion, and the effort to stay clear and standing. cupping her face, he tries to coax her to look him in the eyes. ]

The world sucks, but we can't let it define us. There are some things you can't take back - and I know you'll always want to. This has to stop. And if we need to get you help to do it - we'll get you help, but Kitty, I won't accept that, I can't accept that, that's as good as giving up on you. I can't let you do something you'll end up regretting. Do you get that at all? Do you get what could have happened, if he'd reacted badly to that punch? If it had developed to a full scale fight? You need to express your emotions - talk to me. Yell at me. Punch a punching bag, or spar with Jim or Kara or any of your friends. You don't hurt someone when they're already down. That's a line we don't cross.

[passingthrough]

[It's a mix of understanding what he's getting at and why he'd be worried and still feeling like he's overreacting. It was a single punch that couldn't have done him any lasting damage. It's the words that feel more hurtful to her. Not that they weren't true, but she doesn't want them to resonate with Sascha when it wasn't his fault.

And hearing him talk about getting her help makes her feel so...broken and wrong. Which are both things she thinks about herself sometimes already, but Winn has never made her feel that way before.

So, she's glad he's close and that he's touching her, but she also feels a little sick about what he's saying. Is she worse off than she even thought? Is this him reeling and overreacting? She isn't sure and she feels like he doesn't understand. She couldn't feel further off the pedestal right now.]

...Why are you treating me like this? It was one time and I almost lost you. [Her voice just sounds defeated.]

[winn]

I'm not trying to be cruel, Kitty - it can happen again, and I don't want you to lose you.

[ it's the little compromises that get you lost. the more you justify yourself, the easier it becomes. little compromises slowly grow and build on top of each other until you don't know who you are anymore. ]

The night I almost died you wouldn't let me get away with a bad choice of words. [ he didn't even do anything, and still she rode him so hard, made him feel so small. ] And you know what, I'm glad. I'm grateful to have someone in my life who will make sure I never go down that road, even when it hurts, even when I don't want to hear it, because sometimes we have to hear stuff we don't want to. [ his palms feel clammy and cold, and he can head his own heartbeat so loud. ] We can do this together --

[passingthrough]

[She curls her arms around him to hold him. She can see how much this is taking out of him too and after everything else even if she's still not sure about how he sees her she doesn't want him in pain.

And while these new words aren't overwhelmingly comforting they come from such different places. It takes time to bridge that kind of gap. But at least they are talking about it and they are closer than they are further apart and he did say the magic word, "together."]

Together.

[winn]

[ he all but crumbles in her arms, the sheer force of will that's been keeping him together melting away, and for a moment - he's just dead weight in her arms, before he manages to find his footing - and sits down.

pressing the bridge of his nose, he sighs, feeling thoroughly beaten down. ]

[passingthrough]

[She holds him up, glad to be helping if anything, except she's the one who also put him in this state.] I never wanted to disappoint you.

You do make me feel like a superhero sometimes.

[winn]

You are a superhero. You're also human. I know you're gonna make mistakes - I'm gonna make them too, probably more. But we have to make sure we don't cross lines we can't come back from.

[ he sighs and reaches for his bottle of water, taking small, slow sips, and leans his head back. ]

I will never forgive myself if I let you do something you'll regret.

[passingthrough]

I'm a mutant who did my best. But I definitely make mistakes.

[She rubs his back.] You don't have to worry about that though. It was a mistake like you said. I'm not going to some bad place I can't come back from. Not now. Not ever.

You should talk to Kurt. I'm already so different than how he knew me back home. It probably doesn't seem like it right now, but I'm getting better. Not worse. [And it hurts a little that Winn can't see it that way, but it also feels good? Because that means he never saw her that way. It means it's really true. But also, it scares her because things like this happen.]

[winn]

I do worry. You assaulted him when he was already in prison. Discounting it is dangerous.

[ he doesn't want to fight again, but this isn't something he can just ignore and hope will never come up again. that would be putting her on a pedestal. ]

Do you remember I told you when my dad kidnapped me, the FBI thought I was working with him?

[passingthrough]

I'm not discount... [She doesn't want to fight again either.]

I remember.

[winn]

The agent leading the manhunt, she had a personal vendetta against my dad. They showed up at the toy convention - I was on stage, with my dad's old boss, there were hundreds of people around, kids standing by. I fired into the air - and they made it open season on me. When Kara took off to grab my dad - I started counting the bullets around me. I stopped when I hit 20 - there were still plenty more. They were trained federal agents, and they made a mistake. If Kara hadn't showed up in time, the fact that my dad killed the agent who came after him last time wouldn't have made me any less dead. When emotions run high, things can go south. I just wanna make sure we're doing everything we can to make sure they don't, that's all.

[passingthrough]

[She hugs him tighter.] I'm sorry that happened to you. I am.

But, Winn... I can't hurt Sascha by hitting him. He's immortal. I knew that. Look, I know it wasn't right, and it probably doesn't seem like it because I keep defending myself. But you mean everything to me and I just want you to understand where I'm coming from even if you don't agree with it. I don't even agree with it, but it's not the same as that.

[winn]

Of course I understand. How do you think I felt after Winter?

[ he turns his eyes over to look at her. ]

I still feel that rage. [ it's exactly why he knows to fear it. ]

[passingthrough]

[She kisses his temple softly.] I didn't realize you felt like that. [She could have, should have guessed but she didn't really know.]

[winn]

The woman I love was hurt. [ he shrugs a little ] How else am I gonna feel? I just...I redirect it. To my work. And when that doesn't work, I fight with Jim.

[ which is unfair to jim and he really has to quit doing it. he needs to find a new way to deal with his pent up emotions. whatever it is, though, it can't ever be what kitty's done. ]

[passingthrough]

[It was Winn getting hurt. It was also feeling like she should have been able to stop it and...] I felt betrayed which isn't fair but I did and I wanted him to know I felt betrayed. And it wasn't the right way to handle any of it. I know.

I just want to make things better for you. [And Sascha too.]

[winn]

I get that. I feel betrayed too.

[ present tense. he's not over it. ]

I want to make things better for both of us. We're a team, right? [ he leans his head against her. ]

[passingthrough]

[More magic words. She's actually a little choked up.] We're a team. [She kisses him softly.]

Do you... Do you feel like I betrayed you?

[winn]

[ he weighs his words carefully, but his head is still swimming and it feels a little hard to concentrate. ]

I'm...I'm just wondering why you get so upset at me for not telling you things that happened years before I ever met you, when you're not telling me things that are happening now until it's too late for me to do anything about them.

[ he doesn't want to say yes, so he takes the roundabout way there. he does feel betrayed. if she'd have told him about sascha that same day, if she'd have told him how she felt before she'd gone to see sascha, if she'd have told him so many things, instead of bringing them up later..even now. she went to see sascha, and she's telling him after the fact. is he that unreasonable and untrustworthy? because he really doesn't feel like he's done anything to deserve that. ]

I know trust is hard for you, but it's hard to be a team when I'm always one step behind.

[passingthrough]

You feel like I get upset with you? I mean...I don't feel that way. Sometimes I worry about it or I just want to know you better. I don't mean to make you feel like I'm angry. I'm not. [But she knows that's also not really the point. It's not the thing bothering him.]

I was scared to tell you about what I did before. [She is having trouble looking at him, but she makes herself. She feels so vulnerable right now.] I didn't want you to think less of me.

And today, I just didn't want you to be worried. I know it hasn't been easy and I needed to see him but I didn't think I could leave you if I knew you were going to be really worried.

But I really wasn't hiding anything before. I tell you lots of things even when they aren't easy. [Like when Robb Stark was begging to play with her breasts.] I'm not usually planning them so I can't tell you before. [Or she just doesn't know what will upset him like the thing with Tyrion. She just never thought about it that way.]

[winn]

It's more than that -- you didn't want to tell me how you felt before you went and did it, too. I know I'm a mess [ he's not going to sugarcoat it, he's a wreak of a person ] and you probably thought the same thing I do when I hold on to stuff - that you'd be bothering me, adding on things, that you needed to shield me from your pain. But Kitty, this isn't gonna work like that. You say I put you on a pedestal - but you treat me like I'm made of porcelain. I'm not going to break because you tell me something I don't like, and I'm not going to break up with you because you got angry. But if I feel like I can't trust you - I'm gonna worry every time you're out of my sight, and that's a relationship killer. I'm your boyfriend, you gotta be able to talk to me. You don't have to tell me everything but the big stuff - that you're feeling betrayed, that you need to see Sascha - am I really that unreasonable you think I wouldn't understand that? So I'd ask you to text me that you're ok every couple minutes when you're with him. So what. So I'd cry with you instead of just holding you. That's not gonna kill me.

[passingthrough]

[She holds him closer.] I want you to trust me.

It wasn't that long ago you told me I was treating you too much like a superhero. Maybe I over corrected. [Because that and porcelain are kind of opposites.]

I don't always know what I'm feeling in the moment. [Not until she's already reacted to it. That's when she breaks it down and figures out what happened. It's not the best, but it's also something she can't change overnight and isn't because of Winn in any way.] But I'll do my best.

And I need you to let me know when you consider things big because I don't think we always see it the same way. I don't think you're unreasonable, but you do surprise me sometimes like with the meal for Tyrion. [She just didn't see it coming.]

[winn]

[ he smiles a little, shaking his head ]

I know it's counter-intuitive, but you can do both. Look, I'm never gonna be...used to dealing with danger. If something like this happens again, I'm gonna be upset and I'm gonna fall hard and I'm gonna lash out - that's the - I'm not a superhero part of things. But -- when the smoke clears, I still want to be someone you rely on. I'd rather worry when I should than worry all the time because I don't know if I should or shouldn't be worrying. I know it's a fine line and we're gonna fall on both sides of it - a lot. I just hate feeling like I'm untrustworthy to you.

[ he reaches for her hand. ]

I can do that. We both need to be better at communicating - we know that about ourselves. But we didn't do too bad today, did we?

[passingthrough]

[She threads their fingers together.] That makes sense. [And it does. No reservations this time.]

We did pretty okay. [She manages a little smile.] So, visiting Sascha again, you want me to tell you first and text while I'm there?

[winn]

Yes please. You don't have to say anything, I'll take just - any sign of life.

[ he scooches a little closer to her, leaning on her a little more - physically as well as metaphorically. ]