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[winn]

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[passingthrough]

I hit him. And I yelled at him. I don't remember everything I said. Something like, "he loved you. how could you do that to him?" [The words hold no rage now. No venom. The hurt is there, but it's a different kind of hurting.]

[She wouldn't tell him that this time. She was hiding it. She was afraid to tell him. She's still afraid. She can see how much this is bothering him, but she doesn't know what he's thinking. Is it that he's with a monster or is he feeling guilty for being the catalyst or upset that she upset Sascha or something else. She doesn't know. But they're all fair.]

[winn]

You hit him?

[ he sucks in a breath and rubs his face. why. why does this keep happening. why does he have to walk around worrying about the well being of someone who assaulted him, why can't it just be understandable that his girlfriend punched his attacker?

he stands up, and paces across the room, stopping with his back turned to her on the furthest side of it he can get.

it's can't just be understandable because he was already neutralized. he was cooperating. she didn't have to do this, no one was at risk, in fact it was putting everyone at risk in case he reacted badly to it and stopped cooperating. it was stupid and cruel and he hates thinking that she has that in her. he knows she's done bad things, but there was always a reason to them. this was senseless, it accomplished nothing. it was violence for the sake of violence.

that she performed in his name and hid from him. is she telling him now because she felt bad keeping a secret from him, or because seeing sascha filled her with guilt and she's expecting him to comfort her about it? how can he? this isn't alright. he can't tell her that hitting the sheol was ok any more than he can tell sascha that trying to kiss her was ok. it's not. ]

Was it one punch, or did it escalate. [ he's disappointed, and upset, and guilty, and betrayed, and mostly just exhausted. things were much lonelier when he only had kara in his life. but they were also simpler and he can't help a bit of longing for those days that bubbles up. ]

[passingthrough]

[It hurts when he moves away from her, but she doesn't try to cross the distance.]

One.

[She's feels bad and guilty for all of it. And sure she'd like comfort, but she doesn't really feel like she deserves much less does she expect it from Winn when he's already stretched so thin.]

Winn, I'm sorry.

[winn]

[ one. well, that's something at least. at least she didn't allow himself to get any more carried away, though he's sure the sheol's calmness had a lot to do with that. ]

You can't do this, Kitty. There's a line. He was contained, he was cooperating, he wasn't a threat on anyone.

[ it scares him, because if she could do it to sascha - who he knows she loves - what is she going to do if someone she's indifferent towards, or even hates, malfunctions and comes after him next? he turns back to face her, clearly distraught. ]

We have to be better than this, we can't just -- let our emotions control us. What's gonna happen next time? I can't be your reason for crossing over to the dark side, Kitty, I won't be.

[ you can't ask him to live with that. ]

You're better than this. You know you are. [ is this his fault? is he screwing with her judgment? his voice cracks. ] I know you are. The X-men don't stand for senseless brutality. They stand for keeping people safe.

[passingthrough]

It's not your fault. It's on me.

I shouldn't have done it. [But she's not sure she's better than this. In a lot of ways she's better now than she's ever been or at least ever been since she became the X-Men's shadow assassin. She's trying to adjust to living in a kinder, gentler world and she's doing better but there are set backs.]

But you can't have me on that pedestal. [Not judging. Pleading.] I'll fall. [Eyes tearing up again as her voice cracks. She doesn't want to lose him. She doesn't want him to look at her like a monster. But she wants him to see her for who she is. She's not like Kara.] I told you I've done things. I'm trying. I want to be better for you. For me.

[winn]

I know you've done things - but those people were on the loose, they were hurting others, and there was no system left to deal with them. This is different Kitty, tell me you see that this is different - not hurting someone out of sheer vengeance, when they're not a threat to anyone - that shouldn't be too high a pedestal for anyone.

[ his heart feels like it's gone from 0 to 90 in a second, and everything starts to feel dim, unreal somehow. all the emotional and physical stress he's been under finally catches up with him now, and he feels like he might collapse, but he stubbornly ignores it.

he doesn't want to lose kitty. but he can't live in fear of what she'll do if something goes wrong. how is he supposed to trust her, to confide her with his pain when it encourages her to act so blindly? ]

I know who you are in your heart - but you have to know it too. I believe in you, but for anything to change you have to believe in yourself. I can't do this for you.

[passingthrough]

I do see it. And I'm not trying to excuse it. I'm not. I just...

I want you to understand me. All of me. Where I'm from there was so much violence and fighting all the time. It wasn't just with enemies, you know? We were training and sparring together as a team. A family too, and it was hard to express emotions but there was that outlet and I know it's twisted and backwards but so much got driven into it and I know it's not how to act now. But it still feels that way sometimes.

It doesn't make it right, but do you get that at all? [She's not trying to blame him here. She understands if he has trouble with it. She had some good years as a child that makes it easier for her to relate, but how can you really understand the bleak, constant danger until you've lived it? But she does believe in him and she wants to believe that he'll try for her. Because he loves her.] That it's different for me? That just because the world changed around me doesn't mean I could change just as suddenly?

[And ironically, if Sascha had been a stranger or someone she already had problems with it would have been easier to hold back. As it was, this was also such a personal betrayal. And while part of her still says pre-Sascha deserved what he got she knows Sascha in no way deserves those memories. And Winn definitely doesn't deserve any of this.]

[winn]

That's not sparring, Kitty, that's assault. I get needing to take out your frustrations, I do - I even do it. When I got upset and wanted to punch someone I knocked on Jim's door and asked for a lesson.

[ he walks up to her, his whole body shaking with the emotion, and the effort to stay clear and standing. cupping her face, he tries to coax her to look him in the eyes. ]

The world sucks, but we can't let it define us. There are some things you can't take back - and I know you'll always want to. This has to stop. And if we need to get you help to do it - we'll get you help, but Kitty, I won't accept that, I can't accept that, that's as good as giving up on you. I can't let you do something you'll end up regretting. Do you get that at all? Do you get what could have happened, if he'd reacted badly to that punch? If it had developed to a full scale fight? You need to express your emotions - talk to me. Yell at me. Punch a punching bag, or spar with Jim or Kara or any of your friends. You don't hurt someone when they're already down. That's a line we don't cross.

[passingthrough]

[It's a mix of understanding what he's getting at and why he'd be worried and still feeling like he's overreacting. It was a single punch that couldn't have done him any lasting damage. It's the words that feel more hurtful to her. Not that they weren't true, but she doesn't want them to resonate with Sascha when it wasn't his fault.

And hearing him talk about getting her help makes her feel so...broken and wrong. Which are both things she thinks about herself sometimes already, but Winn has never made her feel that way before.

So, she's glad he's close and that he's touching her, but she also feels a little sick about what he's saying. Is she worse off than she even thought? Is this him reeling and overreacting? She isn't sure and she feels like he doesn't understand. She couldn't feel further off the pedestal right now.]

...Why are you treating me like this? It was one time and I almost lost you. [Her voice just sounds defeated.]

[winn]

I'm not trying to be cruel, Kitty - it can happen again, and I don't want you to lose you.

[ it's the little compromises that get you lost. the more you justify yourself, the easier it becomes. little compromises slowly grow and build on top of each other until you don't know who you are anymore. ]

The night I almost died you wouldn't let me get away with a bad choice of words. [ he didn't even do anything, and still she rode him so hard, made him feel so small. ] And you know what, I'm glad. I'm grateful to have someone in my life who will make sure I never go down that road, even when it hurts, even when I don't want to hear it, because sometimes we have to hear stuff we don't want to. [ his palms feel clammy and cold, and he can head his own heartbeat so loud. ] We can do this together --

[passingthrough]

[She curls her arms around him to hold him. She can see how much this is taking out of him too and after everything else even if she's still not sure about how he sees her she doesn't want him in pain.

And while these new words aren't overwhelmingly comforting they come from such different places. It takes time to bridge that kind of gap. But at least they are talking about it and they are closer than they are further apart and he did say the magic word, "together."]

Together.

[winn]

[ he all but crumbles in her arms, the sheer force of will that's been keeping him together melting away, and for a moment - he's just dead weight in her arms, before he manages to find his footing - and sits down.

pressing the bridge of his nose, he sighs, feeling thoroughly beaten down. ]

[passingthrough]

[She holds him up, glad to be helping if anything, except she's the one who also put him in this state.] I never wanted to disappoint you.

You do make me feel like a superhero sometimes.

[winn]

You are a superhero. You're also human. I know you're gonna make mistakes - I'm gonna make them too, probably more. But we have to make sure we don't cross lines we can't come back from.

[ he sighs and reaches for his bottle of water, taking small, slow sips, and leans his head back. ]

I will never forgive myself if I let you do something you'll regret.

[passingthrough]

I'm a mutant who did my best. But I definitely make mistakes.

[She rubs his back.] You don't have to worry about that though. It was a mistake like you said. I'm not going to some bad place I can't come back from. Not now. Not ever.

You should talk to Kurt. I'm already so different than how he knew me back home. It probably doesn't seem like it right now, but I'm getting better. Not worse. [And it hurts a little that Winn can't see it that way, but it also feels good? Because that means he never saw her that way. It means it's really true. But also, it scares her because things like this happen.]

[winn]

I do worry. You assaulted him when he was already in prison. Discounting it is dangerous.

[ he doesn't want to fight again, but this isn't something he can just ignore and hope will never come up again. that would be putting her on a pedestal. ]

Do you remember I told you when my dad kidnapped me, the FBI thought I was working with him?

[passingthrough]

I'm not discount... [She doesn't want to fight again either.]

I remember.

[winn]

The agent leading the manhunt, she had a personal vendetta against my dad. They showed up at the toy convention - I was on stage, with my dad's old boss, there were hundreds of people around, kids standing by. I fired into the air - and they made it open season on me. When Kara took off to grab my dad - I started counting the bullets around me. I stopped when I hit 20 - there were still plenty more. They were trained federal agents, and they made a mistake. If Kara hadn't showed up in time, the fact that my dad killed the agent who came after him last time wouldn't have made me any less dead. When emotions run high, things can go south. I just wanna make sure we're doing everything we can to make sure they don't, that's all.

[passingthrough]

[She hugs him tighter.] I'm sorry that happened to you. I am.

But, Winn... I can't hurt Sascha by hitting him. He's immortal. I knew that. Look, I know it wasn't right, and it probably doesn't seem like it because I keep defending myself. But you mean everything to me and I just want you to understand where I'm coming from even if you don't agree with it. I don't even agree with it, but it's not the same as that.

[winn]

Of course I understand. How do you think I felt after Winter?

[ he turns his eyes over to look at her. ]

I still feel that rage. [ it's exactly why he knows to fear it. ]

[passingthrough]

[She kisses his temple softly.] I didn't realize you felt like that. [She could have, should have guessed but she didn't really know.]

[winn]

The woman I love was hurt. [ he shrugs a little ] How else am I gonna feel? I just...I redirect it. To my work. And when that doesn't work, I fight with Jim.

[ which is unfair to jim and he really has to quit doing it. he needs to find a new way to deal with his pent up emotions. whatever it is, though, it can't ever be what kitty's done. ]

[passingthrough]

[It was Winn getting hurt. It was also feeling like she should have been able to stop it and...] I felt betrayed which isn't fair but I did and I wanted him to know I felt betrayed. And it wasn't the right way to handle any of it. I know.

I just want to make things better for you. [And Sascha too.]

[winn]

I get that. I feel betrayed too.

[ present tense. he's not over it. ]

I want to make things better for both of us. We're a team, right? [ he leans his head against her. ]

[passingthrough]

[More magic words. She's actually a little choked up.] We're a team. [She kisses him softly.]

Do you... Do you feel like I betrayed you?