[ Those blue eyes watch him, concern swirling in them. He knows all
about sleepless nights. He suffers them himself. It took a long while
before he could sleep through a full night without medical aid, and he had
been the one to insist no medicine. ]
There isn't any way you can make this dimensional Rifter idea
work overnight. Getting some restful sleep and having your brain working at
one hundred percent will be better for the project rather than you being
exhausted, don't you think?
[ getting full on defensive now. it's not like he's lying in bed pinching himself to stay awake because he thinks it's funny. he's having a hard enough time as it is - kara's depowered and miserable. kitty's dead in her home world and suffers from so much ptsd he's not sure he should even be allowed anywhere near her. he's trying to save a kid with a terminal magical illness. he's stuck in outer space, which isn't easy on him under the best of circumstances, which these are so far away from it's hilarious. he's terrified that he might be losing his mind, and terrified that any day - his father's face could appear on the network or worse - on their ship. and he can't talk about it to anyone because everyone is hurting, everyone is hurting so much more than he is, and that has a lot to do with much of his misery - because he can't help anyone. he's less than useless. he can't hack the code that keeps them away from the marsiva, he can't get them home. the one time kara is counting on him - and he's failing her miserably. ]
I want you to take care of yourself too, Winn. I want you to be okay as
much as I want Kara or Fenris or Beverly to be okay. I know nothing about
this situation will ever be entirely "okay", but that doesn't mean I want
to see anyone, least of all one of my friends, run themselves into the
ground.
[ He sighed and leaned back, suddenly looking slightly tired himself.
]
If talking helps, I'll listen Winn. Whatever burdens you have, you don't
need to carry them alone here.
[ jim reminds him so much of kara right now, that for a second he's not sure if he isn't just -- talking to kara and hallucinating jim. this is my burden, he told her once. which means it's mine too, she replied without a second's hesitation. finding a friend like that once - his life taught him was incredibly unlikely. and yet here he is, sitting in front of another. and just like that time with kara, he's not sure what to do with it, how to respond to it. his base instinct wants to reject it, scared of what'll happen if he allowed himself to be a burden for even a second. kara's known him for two years which he spent trying to do everything he could for her, and still he worried he wouldn't be worth sticking it out for if he opened up. jim's known him a couple of months, and he suspects he's mostly just given him headaches with his projects. if he troubled him directly like that, why shouldn't jim leave him, like so many people in his life have?
he grumbles in frustration, because how can he say any of it? charles told him to find someone to talk to and he promised he'd try. jim's giving him a chance right here - and he can't seem to take it. ]
So is that what all the running is about, trying to knock me out? [ he knows kitty wants him to open up, his friends do too. but a lifetime of learning to repress because no one cares about the murderer's son's feelings are hard to shake off.
he thought he's come so far, but at the end of the day...he's still a coward. ]
[ He's patient as Winn turns things over in his head, and he sees the
moment that Winn runs. He can see it because he's done it so many times
himself. It was his favorite tactic. He supposed it made him a hypocrit,
refusing to let Winn run. Back home, he had the power of rank to force
people down. But regardless of what it made him, he wouldn't let Winn
destroy himself. ]
It would be a nice side effect. I know it helps me sleep better at night,
personally.
But you know that's not what I mean when I say you can talk to me, Winn. I
know all the deflection tactics.
[ He gives a brittle smile. ]
I've used them so many times myself I can spot them a mile away by now.
[ he doesn't really have a leg to stand on, especially not now that he's been so gloriously caught and outed, but he can't help but stubbornly resist, even though he knows talking - at least about the parts he can - would probably be a huge relief. ]
[ he groans in frustration again before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
Do you have to go and be so reasonable about it?
[ addressing all his concerns. it makes it very hard not to feel like he's being really childish here, and ok he is, but he gets to be! he's had to be way more mature than he was ever meant to be on this fleet, and it's exhausting. he wants to do better, be a better man...but actually going through with it is pulling teeth. off a very angry t-rex.
his shoulders slump in defeat, but he still doesn't know where to start, what to do. ]
[ He gives a soft laugh beneath his breath, waiting for a moment to
see if he'll give him anything, but when he doesn't he decides to prod a
little bit. ]
Maybe start with why your miniature sun project is so important to you, or
the dimensional one?
There has to be something more, Winn. I would do a lot for my friends, but
let's be honest - you're on the verge of collapsing. Surely Kara wouldn't
want that of you.
[ So it has to be you pushing this, has to be something in you driving
this. But what was it? ]
[ there's so much of him pushing it, that it's impossible to untangle it enough to find a start. ]
Do you know what it's like to feel helpless? [ he continues, as if he doesn't expect jim to be familiar with such a feeling. ] To have the one thing you have to contribute just -- be completely stripped away? If I don't find a new thing, then what the hell is the point of me?
[ he's always had an identity: the computer guy, the genius hacker, the guy who could work out any problem.
who is he now? the guy who bangs his head against the wall, figuring out a whole lot of nothing? who the hell wants to be friends with that guy? ]
[ Jim arches a brow because he does understand. He felt helpless when
Pike had died. When Marcus had told him he would kill his entire crew to
hide his crimes. He felt helpless here. His hand twitched and motioned
around them, as if Winn might pick up on that, but he didn't say it. ]
What makes you think that you've been stripped of what you are here? You're
smart, obviously, and you've been working on some very advanced
experiments. I would hardly call you helpless or useless here. You have
certain advantages over many here, I think.
Yeah I work on it - but I don't achieve anything. I have smart ideas, useless executions. If I didn't have Kitty, Cisco, Hank, and you to work with - I may as well have been shining a flashlight at Kara.
[ that is a gross exaggeration, but he's spewing out all the misery he's been forcing down for three months. ] You don't -- know what it's like, back home. If we - [ he sighs, trying to bite down on the anger that threatens to consume him. ] I should be able to figure out this code. Back home, I know I would've by now. I know these implants are supposedly just -- planting information and evoking reactions that should've come from years of practice but -- I swear, I know these are alien systems, but I was good enough. I would've reprogrammed these computers to get us on the Marsiva, opened the doors and got us the hell out in a week max. Okay, it may have taken longer -- but I would've done it. Instead -- I made some bowl gowns? [ he could cry. ]
There's nothing wrong with having help, Winn. All of my accomplishments are
not something I accomplished alone. It's all right to have help, to need it
too. None of this has to be your burden alone. In my experience, it's
having those very people that much you a better version of yourself.
And you can't blame yourself for what the Augments might be doing to us.
That's no ones fault. And I don't think you making ball gowns for the girls
was bad. You made them happy with them didn't you? You had fun yourself.
It's not bad to have fun, to take a break from the more serious issues
facing us all.
[ too much fun even, because despite all the ways this fleet is driving him insane - secretly it's getting harder and harder to want to leave. he's never had this many friends in his life. he's not sure he's had so many friends in his entire life combined. ]
I know it's fine to need help, this isn't some...macho ego trip, that ship is -- the Titanic. [ all is lost when you're making origami flowers with captain america. ] I just...I need to be able to do something.
[ kara is upset, she may say it even less than he does, but he knows that she is. he knows how badly she misses alex, james, her foster mom, ms. grant, everybody. he knows how badly she misses being supergirl. he's all she's got -- and it feels like she would've been better off being stranded with a carton of ice cream. ]
I know. I feel the same way. I've always been terrible at sitting back and
doing nothing. So I get it.
But Winn - even you have to see that you're only hurting yourself with the
way you're going about things. And if you get hurt, if you take yourself
out of commission - then how will you accomplish the things you want to
accomplish?
There is such a thing as to much work, Winn. There is such a thing as
trying to shoulder to much of a burden alone. So it might not be a meth
problem, but I think it's certainly a dangerous enough one.
[ wow he's starting to see kara's point, jim really can be insufferable sometimes. ]
I have friends and a girlfriend. I go out. I'm not exactly locked in my room talking to myself and building a bomb, can you take it down about 10,000?
[ is he crazy? is he really so bad and just not noticing it? dammit. he was starting to feel so decently secure with sanity until charles went and shook his confidence all over again. ]
I appreciate your concern - but you're making me sound like a menace to society.
[ which is only his biggest fear in life, no big deal. ]
I always work too much, it's how I got so good in the first place. I'm not going to kill myself - I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're thinking. Just a little [ a lot ] obsessive.
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momijizukamori and
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 03:36 pm (UTC)Maybe not, but I am your friend, Winn. And I'm worried. I just think you could use a bit of sleep - and your experiments will benefit from it too.
[ Moms who abandon you? Wow, Winn, we have more in common than even he knew. Or doesn't know. But you get it. ]
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 03:41 pm (UTC)but he sighs, running a hand through his hair. he knows jim has a point, but he's not avoiding sleep just because he's eager to get this done. ]
I get as much sleep as I can.
[ but his brain won't shut up, now in three exciting flavors: ideas he has to work on before he forgets, raging paranoia, and nightmares! yum. ]
I'm fine.
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 03:44 pm (UTC)No, Winn, you're not.
[ Those blue eyes watch him, concern swirling in them. He knows all about sleepless nights. He suffers them himself. It took a long while before he could sleep through a full night without medical aid, and he had been the one to insist no medicine. ]
There isn't any way you can make this dimensional Rifter idea work overnight. Getting some restful sleep and having your brain working at one hundred percent will be better for the project rather than you being exhausted, don't you think?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 03:52 pm (UTC)[ getting full on defensive now. it's not like he's lying in bed pinching himself to stay awake because he thinks it's funny. he's having a hard enough time as it is - kara's depowered and miserable. kitty's dead in her home world and suffers from so much ptsd he's not sure he should even be allowed anywhere near her. he's trying to save a kid with a terminal magical illness. he's stuck in outer space, which isn't easy on him under the best of circumstances, which these are so far away from it's hilarious. he's terrified that he might be losing his mind, and terrified that any day - his father's face could appear on the network or worse - on their ship. and he can't talk about it to anyone because everyone is hurting, everyone is hurting so much more than he is, and that has a lot to do with much of his misery - because he can't help anyone. he's less than useless. he can't hack the code that keeps them away from the marsiva, he can't get them home. the one time kara is counting on him - and he's failing her miserably. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 03:59 pm (UTC)I want you to take care of yourself too, Winn. I want you to be okay as much as I want Kara or Fenris or Beverly to be okay. I know nothing about this situation will ever be entirely "okay", but that doesn't mean I want to see anyone, least of all one of my friends, run themselves into the ground.
[ He sighed and leaned back, suddenly looking slightly tired himself. ]
If talking helps, I'll listen Winn. Whatever burdens you have, you don't need to carry them alone here.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 04:16 pm (UTC)he grumbles in frustration, because how can he say any of it? charles told him to find someone to talk to and he promised he'd try. jim's giving him a chance right here - and he can't seem to take it. ]
So is that what all the running is about, trying to knock me out? [ he knows kitty wants him to open up, his friends do too. but a lifetime of learning to repress because no one cares about the murderer's son's feelings are hard to shake off.
he thought he's come so far, but at the end of the day...he's still a coward. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 04:43 pm (UTC)[ He's patient as Winn turns things over in his head, and he sees the moment that Winn runs. He can see it because he's done it so many times himself. It was his favorite tactic. He supposed it made him a hypocrit, refusing to let Winn run. Back home, he had the power of rank to force people down. But regardless of what it made him, he wouldn't let Winn destroy himself. ]
It would be a nice side effect. I know it helps me sleep better at night, personally.
But you know that's not what I mean when I say you can talk to me, Winn. I know all the deflection tactics.
[ He gives a brittle smile. ]
I've used them so many times myself I can spot them a mile away by now.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 04:48 pm (UTC)[ he doesn't really have a leg to stand on, especially not now that he's been so gloriously caught and outed, but he can't help but stubbornly resist, even though he knows talking - at least about the parts he can - would probably be a huge relief. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 04:56 pm (UTC)Winn... Whatever they are, I promise I won't judge you. I won't leave or kick you off the ship. Hell, I won't even talk if you don't want me too.
[ So trust him, Winn. Let him help you. ]
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:01 pm (UTC)Do you have to go and be so reasonable about it?
[ addressing all his concerns. it makes it very hard not to feel like he's being really childish here, and ok he is, but he gets to be! he's had to be way more mature than he was ever meant to be on this fleet, and it's exhausting. he wants to do better, be a better man...but actually going through with it is pulling teeth. off a very angry t-rex.
his shoulders slump in defeat, but he still doesn't know where to start, what to do. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:04 pm (UTC)[ He gives a soft laugh beneath his breath, waiting for a moment to see if he'll give him anything, but when he doesn't he decides to prod a little bit. ]
Maybe start with why your miniature sun project is so important to you, or the dimensional one?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:07 pm (UTC)[ he shrugs. it's far from being that simple, but just thinking of all the background is making him choke up a little bit, so saying it? ]
I'd do anything for her.
[ and kitty, whose life depends on not going back to her home at her time. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:09 pm (UTC)There has to be something more, Winn. I would do a lot for my friends, but let's be honest - you're on the verge of collapsing. Surely Kara wouldn't want that of you.
[ So it has to be you pushing this, has to be something in you driving this. But what was it? ]
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:15 pm (UTC)Do you know what it's like to feel helpless? [ he continues, as if he doesn't expect jim to be familiar with such a feeling. ] To have the one thing you have to contribute just -- be completely stripped away? If I don't find a new thing, then what the hell is the point of me?
[ he's always had an identity: the computer guy, the genius hacker, the guy who could work out any problem.
who is he now? the guy who bangs his head against the wall, figuring out a whole lot of nothing? who the hell wants to be friends with that guy? ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:19 pm (UTC)[ Jim arches a brow because he does understand. He felt helpless when Pike had died. When Marcus had told him he would kill his entire crew to hide his crimes. He felt helpless here. His hand twitched and motioned around them, as if Winn might pick up on that, but he didn't say it. ]
What makes you think that you've been stripped of what you are here? You're smart, obviously, and you've been working on some very advanced experiments. I would hardly call you helpless or useless here. You have certain advantages over many here, I think.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:28 pm (UTC)[ that is a gross exaggeration, but he's spewing out all the misery he's been forcing down for three months. ] You don't -- know what it's like, back home. If we - [ he sighs, trying to bite down on the anger that threatens to consume him. ] I should be able to figure out this code. Back home, I know I would've by now. I know these implants are supposedly just -- planting information and evoking reactions that should've come from years of practice but -- I swear, I know these are alien systems, but I was good enough. I would've reprogrammed these computers to get us on the Marsiva, opened the doors and got us the hell out in a week max. Okay, it may have taken longer -- but I would've done it. Instead -- I made some bowl gowns? [ he could cry. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:33 pm (UTC)There's nothing wrong with having help, Winn. All of my accomplishments are not something I accomplished alone. It's all right to have help, to need it too. None of this has to be your burden alone. In my experience, it's having those very people that much you a better version of yourself.
And you can't blame yourself for what the Augments might be doing to us. That's no ones fault. And I don't think you making ball gowns for the girls was bad. You made them happy with them didn't you? You had fun yourself. It's not bad to have fun, to take a break from the more serious issues facing us all.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:40 pm (UTC)[ too much fun even, because despite all the ways this fleet is driving him insane - secretly it's getting harder and harder to want to leave. he's never had this many friends in his life. he's not sure he's had so many friends in his entire life combined. ]
I know it's fine to need help, this isn't some...macho ego trip, that ship is -- the Titanic. [ all is lost when you're making origami flowers with captain america. ] I just...I need to be able to do something.
[ kara is upset, she may say it even less than he does, but he knows that she is. he knows how badly she misses alex, james, her foster mom, ms. grant, everybody. he knows how badly she misses being supergirl. he's all she's got -- and it feels like she would've been better off being stranded with a carton of ice cream. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:22 pm (UTC)I know. I feel the same way. I've always been terrible at sitting back and doing nothing. So I get it.
But Winn - even you have to see that you're only hurting yourself with the way you're going about things. And if you get hurt, if you take yourself out of commission - then how will you accomplish the things you want to accomplish?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:24 pm (UTC)Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:28 pm (UTC)There is such a thing as to much work, Winn. There is such a thing as trying to shoulder to much of a burden alone. So it might not be a meth problem, but I think it's certainly a dangerous enough one.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:32 pm (UTC)I have friends and a girlfriend. I go out. I'm not exactly locked in my room talking to myself and building a bomb, can you take it down about 10,000?
[ is he crazy? is he really so bad and just not noticing it? dammit. he was starting to feel so decently secure with sanity until charles went and shook his confidence all over again. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:35 pm (UTC)[ There's a bit of bristling, but he keeps it down. ]
I'm just concerned, Winn, that's all. Should I apologize for being concerned for your welfare? For wanting to help you?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:38 pm (UTC)[ which is only his biggest fear in life, no big deal. ]
I always work too much, it's how I got so good in the first place. I'm not going to kill myself - I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're thinking. Just a little [ a lot ] obsessive.
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:40 pm (UTC)Yes and you ever think that's a problem? Why are you so obsessed with them to the point of what looks alarmingly like sleep deprivation?
[ And you well could be. Tired minds made mistakes and your experiments could have some serious consequences of mistakes are made. ]
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