[ too much fun even, because despite all the ways this fleet is driving him insane - secretly it's getting harder and harder to want to leave. he's never had this many friends in his life. he's not sure he's had so many friends in his entire life combined. ]
I know it's fine to need help, this isn't some...macho ego trip, that ship is -- the Titanic. [ all is lost when you're making origami flowers with captain america. ] I just...I need to be able to do something.
[ kara is upset, she may say it even less than he does, but he knows that she is. he knows how badly she misses alex, james, her foster mom, ms. grant, everybody. he knows how badly she misses being supergirl. he's all she's got -- and it feels like she would've been better off being stranded with a carton of ice cream. ]
I know. I feel the same way. I've always been terrible at sitting back and
doing nothing. So I get it.
But Winn - even you have to see that you're only hurting yourself with the
way you're going about things. And if you get hurt, if you take yourself
out of commission - then how will you accomplish the things you want to
accomplish?
There is such a thing as to much work, Winn. There is such a thing as
trying to shoulder to much of a burden alone. So it might not be a meth
problem, but I think it's certainly a dangerous enough one.
[ wow he's starting to see kara's point, jim really can be insufferable sometimes. ]
I have friends and a girlfriend. I go out. I'm not exactly locked in my room talking to myself and building a bomb, can you take it down about 10,000?
[ is he crazy? is he really so bad and just not noticing it? dammit. he was starting to feel so decently secure with sanity until charles went and shook his confidence all over again. ]
I appreciate your concern - but you're making me sound like a menace to society.
[ which is only his biggest fear in life, no big deal. ]
I always work too much, it's how I got so good in the first place. I'm not going to kill myself - I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're thinking. Just a little [ a lot ] obsessive.
[ so is that what it all comes down to? what does a guy have to do to prove that he's not going to blow up your spaceship? gosh! ]
My best friend. In the world. In any world. Lost her powers. Lost her family. Lost her world. Is trying to get them back for her really so hard to understand?
[ He doesn't think you'll mean to, but accidents happen Winn. It's why
he doesn't like Kara using her laser eyes on the ship. ]
Hardly. I understand if. I would do anything for Spock or Bones or any of
my family on the Enterprise. I would simply prefer you not collapse because
of it.
Winn you're not a fool - tell me what happens to a human body when it goes
without appropriate amounts of sleep? For one your experiments are going to
suffer. For the other it runs a higher risks of more dangerous mistakes.
Really? Cuz last I checked, I work with smart, capable partners, I let you see my work, and I'm taking every precaution I can think of. So what exactly are you asking me to do here that I'm not already doing?
I know that. But there's more than just the sleep deprivation. It's the
obsessiveness - that you admitted to, mind. I don't want you to end up
crushing yourself because you have this idea that you aren't worth anything
if you aren't.
he's a good friend. he's a good boyfriend. he knows this, logically. how many times did he make kara smile since he got here, times she wouldn't have had if he weren't here? he's not keeping count, but it's a fair amount. he makes kitty laugh. sascha likes him so much he can barely peel the guy off of him. cisco trusted him with his deepest fears. margaery trusts him with the truth - he thinks. but it never feels like enough because he has so much to make up for. all the ugly, bitter, angry parts of himself, all the parts tinted by the shadow of insanity that's always hanging over his head, he could never atone for them.
he swallows on the lump forming in his throat.
his dad was obsessed too. he was so obsessed with his work, he was willing to kill for it. willing to break up their family. to leave him. there's nothing in the multiverse winn wants to avoid more than turning into his dad.
he's so tired. so tired of this fear always hanging over his head.
pulling himself up, he takes kirk's communicator with him. ]
I'll hook you up with that app.
[ the soul crushing sadness is almost overwhelming. ]
[ Kirk isn't sure if he's broken through or what. He knows something
has happened and he's not sure what. Just when it looks like he might open
up, he sees the doors closing again. And if they're closed here - would
they open again? Or would Winn continue down this path? He licked his lips,
standing up and reaching out to touch his wrist, try and stop him a little
bit longer. ]
Winn - I know you probably don't think I do, but I really do understand how
you feel.
[ Now it was his turn to take a breath, slowly release, his grip
momentarily tightening. ]
I watched my best friend's planet die. Watched it implode - because I
failed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask myself what else I
could have done.
Trust me Winn, whatever mistakes or terrible things you think you've done -
chances are no one blames you. Spock doesn't blame me, even though I blame
myself.
So when I say you can talk to me Winn, I do mean it. I do understand, and I
want to help you. You're my friend, after all.
[ another world - lost. another one of his friends - going through hell, and trying to comfort him for his insignificant burdens. he's stopped alright - stuck in place, with jim's hand on his wrist, not sure what to do here.
he wants to comfort his friend, but he knows he's going to hate the way to do it.
because he recognizes this move. he's used it twice in the fleet so far. share, and people feel obligated to reciprocate, and dammit if it's not working.
when he speaks, his voice is weak but steady. ]
My dad is insane. As in - certifiable. Homicidal. Convicted. And I am...the personification of the before picture.
[ only he's not so sure it's the before picture anymore, not since his conversation with charles. would jim still let him stay on board if he confessed to that? should he? ]
[ That has not been what he was expecting. At all. He blinked at him
for a moment, processing that, and what it meant for his current behavior.
His grip didn't release though, but it didn't harden in anger either.
]
So? I don't judge people based on their parentage. I judge them based on
their actions and what I know of them.
You're a good man, Winn. The idea that genetics determine who we are or
what we'll become is a load of bull, and whoever put the idea in your head
deserves a slap.
[ if he were ever tempted to kiss kirk - it'd be right now, for this reaction. all his life, it's all he's ever wanted to hear, to believe. for a few precious moments there - kitty had him believing. had him believing that he's nothing like his dad, that his anger is just - normal human anger. that he doesn't have that darkness inside of him.
and then charles told him repeatedly that he's worried about what goes on in his mind, that he should get help for it, and all the fears came rushing back and settled right in as if they never left. ]
Has it been proven that mental illness is never hereditary in your time? [ he wants to believe so badly, but he's so scared of being crushed again. he can almost hear his dad's voice - mocking him. to winslow schott sr., focusing on their similarities was love. to winn - it was cruelty. ]
There are some - like Dimentia and Alzheimer's. But what you're talking
about? No. There's been no link ever found.
[ There had been some research done into circumstance and upbringing.
But it always proven inconclusive at best. It was simply one of those
things that happened, the mind still to complex to full understand. ]
And besides...
[ He moved his hand up to grip Winn's shoulder. ]
You have good people around you. Kara. Kitty. Me. A host of others. If you
ever feel like you are slipping - we'll pull you back. We won't let you
become that. My friends stopped me before I could cross that line. I could
do no less for you, and I'm sure Kara, Kitty, and the others would agree.
[ hope you don't mind his head slumping against your chest, because he could really use a hug right now.
congratulations, kirk, you broke through. ]
I met a telepath and he told me...I need to get help.
[ for your trauma and how much it's hurting you in your daily life winn, not because you're insane. see, if you got help for that you wouldn't be so quick to misinterpret things! ] What if I already am without knowing?
[ can that happen? can he go crazy and not know it? it must happen - crazy people aren't crazy to themselves - but how does he defend himself against an invisible enemy that leaves no tracks? how can his friends tell the difference, when his behavior isn't exactly normative under the best of circumstances? he works too hard. is that his personality, or the madness? he comes up with wild theories. is that his brilliant mind, or the madness? ]
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momijizukamori and
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 05:40 pm (UTC)[ too much fun even, because despite all the ways this fleet is driving him insane - secretly it's getting harder and harder to want to leave. he's never had this many friends in his life. he's not sure he's had so many friends in his entire life combined. ]
I know it's fine to need help, this isn't some...macho ego trip, that ship is -- the Titanic. [ all is lost when you're making origami flowers with captain america. ] I just...I need to be able to do something.
[ kara is upset, she may say it even less than he does, but he knows that she is. he knows how badly she misses alex, james, her foster mom, ms. grant, everybody. he knows how badly she misses being supergirl. he's all she's got -- and it feels like she would've been better off being stranded with a carton of ice cream. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:22 pm (UTC)I know. I feel the same way. I've always been terrible at sitting back and doing nothing. So I get it.
But Winn - even you have to see that you're only hurting yourself with the way you're going about things. And if you get hurt, if you take yourself out of commission - then how will you accomplish the things you want to accomplish?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:24 pm (UTC)Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:28 pm (UTC)There is such a thing as to much work, Winn. There is such a thing as trying to shoulder to much of a burden alone. So it might not be a meth problem, but I think it's certainly a dangerous enough one.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:32 pm (UTC)I have friends and a girlfriend. I go out. I'm not exactly locked in my room talking to myself and building a bomb, can you take it down about 10,000?
[ is he crazy? is he really so bad and just not noticing it? dammit. he was starting to feel so decently secure with sanity until charles went and shook his confidence all over again. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:35 pm (UTC)[ There's a bit of bristling, but he keeps it down. ]
I'm just concerned, Winn, that's all. Should I apologize for being concerned for your welfare? For wanting to help you?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:38 pm (UTC)[ which is only his biggest fear in life, no big deal. ]
I always work too much, it's how I got so good in the first place. I'm not going to kill myself - I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're thinking. Just a little [ a lot ] obsessive.
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:40 pm (UTC)Yes and you ever think that's a problem? Why are you so obsessed with them to the point of what looks alarmingly like sleep deprivation?
[ And you well could be. Tired minds made mistakes and your experiments could have some serious consequences of mistakes are made. ]
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 06:44 pm (UTC)My best friend. In the world. In any world. Lost her powers. Lost her family. Lost her world. Is trying to get them back for her really so hard to understand?
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:01 pm (UTC)[ He doesn't think you'll mean to, but accidents happen Winn. It's why he doesn't like Kara using her laser eyes on the ship. ]
Hardly. I understand if. I would do anything for Spock or Bones or any of my family on the Enterprise. I would simply prefer you not collapse because of it.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:04 pm (UTC)Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:08 pm (UTC)Training for this?
Winn you're not a fool - tell me what happens to a human body when it goes without appropriate amounts of sleep? For one your experiments are going to suffer. For the other it runs a higher risks of more dangerous mistakes.
And then what will you do?
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:11 pm (UTC)Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:20 pm (UTC)You have my trust! Otherwise I would have jettisoned your mini-sun a long time ago. But even you have to admit that there's reason to be concerned.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:24 pm (UTC)Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:27 pm (UTC)To take care of yourself!
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:29 pm (UTC)Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:33 pm (UTC)I know that. But there's more than just the sleep deprivation. It's the obsessiveness - that you admitted to, mind. I don't want you to end up crushing yourself because you have this idea that you aren't worth anything if you aren't.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 07:47 pm (UTC)and lets it out.
he's a good friend. he's a good boyfriend. he knows this, logically. how many times did he make kara smile since he got here, times she wouldn't have had if he weren't here? he's not keeping count, but it's a fair amount. he makes kitty laugh. sascha likes him so much he can barely peel the guy off of him. cisco trusted him with his deepest fears. margaery trusts him with the truth - he thinks. but it never feels like enough because he has so much to make up for. all the ugly, bitter, angry parts of himself, all the parts tinted by the shadow of insanity that's always hanging over his head, he could never atone for them.
he swallows on the lump forming in his throat.
his dad was obsessed too. he was so obsessed with his work, he was willing to kill for it. willing to break up their family. to leave him. there's nothing in the multiverse winn wants to avoid more than turning into his dad.
he's so tired. so tired of this fear always hanging over his head.
pulling himself up, he takes kirk's communicator with him. ]
I'll hook you up with that app.
[ the soul crushing sadness is almost overwhelming. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 08:19 pm (UTC)[ Kirk isn't sure if he's broken through or what. He knows something has happened and he's not sure what. Just when it looks like he might open up, he sees the doors closing again. And if they're closed here - would they open again? Or would Winn continue down this path? He licked his lips, standing up and reaching out to touch his wrist, try and stop him a little bit longer. ]
Winn - I know you probably don't think I do, but I really do understand how you feel.
[ Now it was his turn to take a breath, slowly release, his grip momentarily tightening. ]
I watched my best friend's planet die. Watched it implode - because I failed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask myself what else I could have done.
Trust me Winn, whatever mistakes or terrible things you think you've done - chances are no one blames you. Spock doesn't blame me, even though I blame myself.
So when I say you can talk to me Winn, I do mean it. I do understand, and I want to help you. You're my friend, after all.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 08:28 pm (UTC)he wants to comfort his friend, but he knows he's going to hate the way to do it.
because he recognizes this move. he's used it twice in the fleet so far. share, and people feel obligated to reciprocate, and dammit if it's not working.
when he speaks, his voice is weak but steady. ]
My dad is insane. As in - certifiable. Homicidal. Convicted. And I am...the personification of the before picture.
[ only he's not so sure it's the before picture anymore, not since his conversation with charles. would jim still let him stay on board if he confessed to that? should he? ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-02 09:37 pm (UTC)[ That has not been what he was expecting. At all. He blinked at him for a moment, processing that, and what it meant for his current behavior. His grip didn't release though, but it didn't harden in anger either. ]
So? I don't judge people based on their parentage. I judge them based on their actions and what I know of them.
You're a good man, Winn. The idea that genetics determine who we are or what we'll become is a load of bull, and whoever put the idea in your head deserves a slap.
action;
Date: 2016-06-02 09:48 pm (UTC)and then charles told him repeatedly that he's worried about what goes on in his mind, that he should get help for it, and all the fears came rushing back and settled right in as if they never left. ]
Has it been proven that mental illness is never hereditary in your time? [ he wants to believe so badly, but he's so scared of being crushed again. he can almost hear his dad's voice - mocking him. to winslow schott sr., focusing on their similarities was love. to winn - it was cruelty. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2016-06-03 02:18 am (UTC)There are some - like Dimentia and Alzheimer's. But what you're talking about? No. There's been no link ever found.
[ There had been some research done into circumstance and upbringing. But it always proven inconclusive at best. It was simply one of those things that happened, the mind still to complex to full understand. ]
And besides...
[ He moved his hand up to grip Winn's shoulder. ]
You have good people around you. Kara. Kitty. Me. A host of others. If you ever feel like you are slipping - we'll pull you back. We won't let you become that. My friends stopped me before I could cross that line. I could do no less for you, and I'm sure Kara, Kitty, and the others would agree.
action;
Date: 2016-06-03 07:04 am (UTC)congratulations, kirk, you broke through. ]
I met a telepath and he told me...I need to get help.
[ for your trauma and how much it's hurting you in your daily life winn, not because you're insane. see, if you got help for that you wouldn't be so quick to misinterpret things! ] What if I already am without knowing?
[ can that happen? can he go crazy and not know it? it must happen - crazy people aren't crazy to themselves - but how does he defend himself against an invisible enemy that leaves no tracks? how can his friends tell the difference, when his behavior isn't exactly normative under the best of circumstances? he works too hard. is that his personality, or the madness? he comes up with wild theories. is that his brilliant mind, or the madness? ]
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