[ The look he gave Winn declared he believed zero of that statement -
in regards to his convincing himself of unpleasant things. But at least
they were getting somewhere, faster than usual which was a small blessing.
Maybe he would only have to pull one tooth this time instead of a dozen.
]
Winn, did you like it or not? And you know I won't judge you if you did -
you know I sleep with Remy regularly.
[ He was the one male Kirk was sure Winn would know, though Kirk ran
the gambit, especially on planets. He was not alone many nights, but within
the Fleet Remy was perhaps the partner he went to most often. ]
Or are we in "this is confusing but I didn't hate it" territory?
[ Behold the last year of high school and his early college career and
just about anything he had done with alien that someone with a strictly
human anatomy would not be able to do. ]
[ he hates jim a little bit right now, for forcing him to deal with this. it's scary and confusing and he's sure the audience at home is eating it up with a spoon and that just makes it so much worse.
but it's also just what he needs to hear - I won't judge you - and he knows if he keeps talking to jim he'll hear more things he needs to hear and they'll help. but getting the words out is an uphill climb and he may be in better shape than ever before but he's also exhausted (literally as well as metaphorically).
rubbing his neck he lets out a frustrated huff. ]
If we're talking about this I'm gonna need something stronger than water. You got anything? [ because if he doesn't, winn keeps a stash in his room. he's developed so many healthy habits! ]
[ Kirk stands and goes to a panel in the wall that functions as a
cabinet. He looked at the selection for a moment before grabbing a dark
green bottle and coming back to the table. ]
Tastes like scotch, but it's got a bit of honey and salt to it and a kick.
[ Two glasses join and he sits back down, letting Winn handle the
pour. ]
[ finally going back to his seat, he pours them each a glass and, raising his at jim, downs the content of his glass in one go.
scrunching his face and shaking his head, he proceeds to pour a second. yeah, you might have to pull a couple more teeth there, bro, or at least let him get himself a little drunk, first. ]
[ Well, he could do that. Or he'll just go for a sudden, out of the
blue question and see how much it startled Winn. That usually seemed to be
a good tactic with him as well. ]
[ it's a good thing he's not mid drink - but he does drop his glass, curse, and bend down to pick up the shards of glass, all while blushing furiously. ]
[ he's too preoccupied picking up pieces and looking for something to dry your floor with. and wondering if he really wants to give that answer or if doing so would end up being the worst mistake of his life. ]
You got a rag or a towel or something? [ he tries to keep his voice calm. it comes out high pitched and stressed. ]
you're going to make him say it, aren't you. at least he's got something else to focus on here, something to keep him from having to look jim in the eye right now. he feels so vulnerable, so exposed, so small, despite the fact that jim is trying to put him at ease by sharing his own experiences - which he definitely appreciates! ]
We did both. [ his voice is barely a whisper so if jim hadn't been listening very closely at right that moment, he could easily miss it. ]
[ that he'll easily admit to. and scary, and awkward, and he had no idea what to do with himself - if kitty hadn't known him so well, hadn't known how to push his buttons, and if it weren't so thrilling to do something different for the first time, something he never dared to let himself really imagine - he's not sure how fun it would have been. ]
The first time always is. I mean, you've worked out how your own body works, mostly, but when it's another guy - suddenly you can't figure out where anything goes, right?
[ throwing away the shards of glass and doing - something, I don't know - with the rag, he gets himself another glass, sits, pours, drinks, and puts down so it couldn't break again. ]
Yeah, pretty much. I miss the internet.
[ they could have researched it, made it so much better for both of them. though he is a little scared that if he made it any better kitty might actually not want to go back, she told him she saw music that's some intense enjoyment right there. ]
I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to look you in the face after this.
[ so no. no he couldn't have. he couldn't have initiated this, not in a million years. that blush on his face that just isn't going away anymore is proof of that. ]
It's a limited time offer, so. [ god he hopes it is. he shrugs a little. he doubts they'll have a chance to get really good at it, but kitty really enjoyed herself and that alone is incentive enough for a round two.
and that worsening of his blush, that, for once, isn't on jim. it's the memory of kitty offering they bring toys into their lives once she's back to normal because he enjoyed himself too. ]
Why the hell not? It's just sex, Winn, and there's no shame in getting your cherry popped.
[ He shook his head, wondering at the silliness of it, though he could understand. Sort of. He had been shy about this sort of thing in his early days. Now he didn't really much care. ]
Doesn't that mean you should indulge in it as much as you can?
[ but in his, it's another reason to get his ass kicked. he spent so long living with a target on his back that he can't stop being afraid of doing something to repaint it. yeah, people on the fleet seem open minded, but they also all seemed nice and little by little he's found that it's really not all so black-and-white simple, they have all kinds here. ]
Jim - [ his voice is practically pleading, he can't bring himself to say it. ]
[ He cared about Winn, he did, but sometimes he felt he was not equipped to handle the seemingly deeper pile of issues he had. It made him very much want to go back in time (even though he hated time travel with a passion), and kick Winn's father in the ass along with everyone else who thoroughly screwed Winn up.
For now, though, he continues to stare at Winn and takes a long, long sip of his alcohol, the implication clear. Talk or you are not leaving this room. ]
[ if he wanted to, winn could sit here quietly for hours, just being stubborn. but kitty is waiting for him back on the windrose, and he does feel like he needs to say this out loud at least once. if anyone will acknowledge his fears and treat them respectfully, experience taught him it'd be jim.
he empties his glass and, looking down the whole time, finally speaks very softly. ]
This should've happened when I was a teenager, or in college, right? But people don't like criminals or their families, people don't like nerds, how do you think someone who's both did? I feel like I'm a teenager again, and not just in the exploration way. If I say 'she has no idea what she's doing, I have no idea what I'm doing, and I still liked it' I may as well just paint a target on my back and top it off with a 'shoot me' sign. And I think I just proved how bad I still am at self defense.
[ He is getting surprisingly good at this game. Maybe, given time, he can get Winn to crack without alcohol and just a knowing smile. Or even get the other to do it on his own in the first place. But, more immediate things to talk about and potential issues to help resolve. ]
I don't think it has to happen at either of those times. Sometimes it just happens when it happens. It happened now because you really care about Kitty, right? And it doesn't much matter if she's a girl or a guy, she's Kitty, and that's all that's important to you, am I right?
[ It was the most likely explanation, really, and he would expect no less of Winn. ]
And second of all -
[ He reached out and tapped his finger against Winn's forehead. ]
You're still stuck on this place being like your own world. You have to get out of that mindset, because it's not. No one is going to come after you for liking being with men. If that were the case, I would have been targeted a long time ago. Those people that hurt you in your world aren't here, Winn, and even if they were, none of us here would let them.
[ he nods at the first part. at first, that's what he told himself - it's just kitty. it's just because it's kitty, and he's so in love with her. maybe he's that in love with her, maybe he really just evolved that far beyond caring about her body - of course he didn't. when he really stopped to think about it, maybe the way he's always noticed how good looking other men are should have tipped him off, but he focused all his energy on envying them, not desiring them. a defense mechanism, maybe?
very slowly, his eyes move slightly upwards at that tap. he agrees and disagrees; jim doesn't look like a target. he's cool, he's good looking, he's smart, he's confident, and he knows how to take care of himself. jim's not the kind of guy people go after.
but it's true that people are different here, and he's not a scared little kid anymore. he's got friends - a lot of friends. but they can't always protect him, that's the whole reason behind their lessons. and as much as he likes to think that everyone on the fleet is good and kind unless the atroma messes with them, the truth is that's just not true.
he keeps the argument in his own head. he knows jim's advice - or at least thinks he does. you can't live your life in fear. what does that mean, though? how do you do it? ]
I feel like everybody knows, and everybody's looking at me different. [ which is mostly in his head and he knows it - but things that exist in your own head shape your reality. it's real to him. worst of all, he's scared kitty might be seeing him differently now. ]
Probably because you're looking at yourself differently. You've grown here, and that might include such things as your preferences. There's nothing wrong with that Winn and there's nothing wrong with you.
[ He leaned back, taking another sip. He placed the glass down, rolling it back and forth slowly, making the liquid climb the sides. ]
But maybe I'm not the only person you should talk to about this, if it's really causing you this much worry.
[ kitty keeps trying to get him to talk about it. but she mercifully lets him get away with a distressed sounding I don't know. she's got enough to deal with herself here, she's the one living in a body that isn't hers. he doesn't need to make it about him. he shakes his head. ]
Winn - you're not. It took me this long and alcohol just to get you to admit to what's going on in your head.
[ He sighed. ]
We both know that the opinion you care about most right now is Kitty's. She's your partner, and I'm not an expert on relationships, but I bet you both will feel better about all of this if you talk it out. And that includes telling her what you just told me.
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no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:31 pm (UTC)[ The look he gave Winn declared he believed zero of that statement - in regards to his convincing himself of unpleasant things. But at least they were getting somewhere, faster than usual which was a small blessing. Maybe he would only have to pull one tooth this time instead of a dozen. ]
Winn, did you like it or not? And you know I won't judge you if you did - you know I sleep with Remy regularly.
[ He was the one male Kirk was sure Winn would know, though Kirk ran the gambit, especially on planets. He was not alone many nights, but within the Fleet Remy was perhaps the partner he went to most often. ]
Or are we in "this is confusing but I didn't hate it" territory?
[ Behold the last year of high school and his early college career and just about anything he had done with alien that someone with a strictly human anatomy would not be able to do. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:36 pm (UTC)but it's also just what he needs to hear - I won't judge you - and he knows if he keeps talking to jim he'll hear more things he needs to hear and they'll help. but getting the words out is an uphill climb and he may be in better shape than ever before but he's also exhausted (literally as well as metaphorically).
rubbing his neck he lets out a frustrated huff. ]
If we're talking about this I'm gonna need something stronger than water. You got anything? [ because if he doesn't, winn keeps a stash in his room. he's developed so many healthy habits! ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:40 pm (UTC)[ Kirk stands and goes to a panel in the wall that functions as a cabinet. He looked at the selection for a moment before grabbing a dark green bottle and coming back to the table. ]
Tastes like scotch, but it's got a bit of honey and salt to it and a kick.
[ Two glasses join and he sits back down, letting Winn handle the pour. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:43 pm (UTC)[ finally going back to his seat, he pours them each a glass and, raising his at jim, downs the content of his glass in one go.
scrunching his face and shaking his head, he proceeds to pour a second. yeah, you might have to pull a couple more teeth there, bro, or at least let him get himself a little drunk, first. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:49 pm (UTC)[ Well, he could do that. Or he'll just go for a sudden, out of the blue question and see how much it startled Winn. That usually seemed to be a good tactic with him as well. ]
Were you the bottom or the top?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:57 pm (UTC)[ Kirk chuckles and sips from his own glass, patiently waiting for his answer. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 06:59 pm (UTC)You got a rag or a towel or something? [ he tries to keep his voice calm. it comes out high pitched and stressed. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 07:38 pm (UTC)[ he rose and went to a drawer, tugging one out and moving to kneel beside Winn and hold it out to him. ]
I like it both ways, myself. Depends on my partner and my mood.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 07:42 pm (UTC)you're going to make him say it, aren't you. at least he's got something else to focus on here, something to keep him from having to look jim in the eye right now. he feels so vulnerable, so exposed, so small, despite the fact that jim is trying to put him at ease by sharing his own experiences - which he definitely appreciates! ]
We did both. [ his voice is barely a whisper so if jim hadn't been listening very closely at right that moment, he could easily miss it. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 07:50 pm (UTC)[ He reached out and patted his back, straightening to resume his seat on the other side of the table. ]
It's weird isn't it? The first time with a guy. I thought it was weird my first time. Fun, but weird.
no subject
Date: 2016-09-28 07:53 pm (UTC)[ that he'll easily admit to. and scary, and awkward, and he had no idea what to do with himself - if kitty hadn't known him so well, hadn't known how to push his buttons, and if it weren't so thrilling to do something different for the first time, something he never dared to let himself really imagine - he's not sure how fun it would have been. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-29 04:42 am (UTC)[ He gave him a sympathetic smile. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-29 04:45 am (UTC)Yeah, pretty much. I miss the internet.
[ they could have researched it, made it so much better for both of them. though he is a little scared that if he made it any better kitty might actually not want to go back, she told him she saw music that's some intense enjoyment right there. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-29 05:03 am (UTC)[ Which is to say he had many, many preferences, but still - it was not a secret that he went for men, women, and anything in between and beyond.
He took a sip. ]
Are you interested in doing it again?
no subject
Date: 2016-09-29 05:11 am (UTC)[ so no. no he couldn't have. he couldn't have initiated this, not in a million years. that blush on his face that just isn't going away anymore is proof of that. ]
It's a limited time offer, so. [ god he hopes it is. he shrugs a little. he doubts they'll have a chance to get really good at it, but kitty really enjoyed herself and that alone is incentive enough for a round two.
and that worsening of his blush, that, for once, isn't on jim. it's the memory of kitty offering they bring toys into their lives once she's back to normal because he enjoyed himself too. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-30 05:19 am (UTC)[ He shook his head, wondering at the silliness of it, though he could understand. Sort of. He had been shy about this sort of thing in his early days. Now he didn't really much care. ]
Doesn't that mean you should indulge in it as much as you can?
[ You know what he's really asking here, Winn. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-09-30 05:25 am (UTC)[ but in his, it's another reason to get his ass kicked. he spent so long living with a target on his back that he can't stop being afraid of doing something to repaint it. yeah, people on the fleet seem open minded, but they also all seemed nice and little by little he's found that it's really not all so black-and-white simple, they have all kinds here. ]
Jim - [ his voice is practically pleading, he can't bring himself to say it. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 04:21 am (UTC)For now, though, he continues to stare at Winn and takes a long, long sip of his alcohol, the implication clear. Talk or you are not leaving this room. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 04:34 am (UTC)he empties his glass and, looking down the whole time, finally speaks very softly. ]
This should've happened when I was a teenager, or in college, right? But people don't like criminals or their families, people don't like nerds, how do you think someone who's both did? I feel like I'm a teenager again, and not just in the exploration way. If I say 'she has no idea what she's doing, I have no idea what I'm doing, and I still liked it' I may as well just paint a target on my back and top it off with a 'shoot me' sign. And I think I just proved how bad I still am at self defense.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 05:04 am (UTC)I don't think it has to happen at either of those times. Sometimes it just happens when it happens. It happened now because you really care about Kitty, right? And it doesn't much matter if she's a girl or a guy, she's Kitty, and that's all that's important to you, am I right?
[ It was the most likely explanation, really, and he would expect no less of Winn. ]
And second of all -
[ He reached out and tapped his finger against Winn's forehead. ]
You're still stuck on this place being like your own world. You have to get out of that mindset, because it's not. No one is going to come after you for liking being with men. If that were the case, I would have been targeted a long time ago. Those people that hurt you in your world aren't here, Winn, and even if they were, none of us here would let them.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 05:16 am (UTC)very slowly, his eyes move slightly upwards at that tap. he agrees and disagrees; jim doesn't look like a target. he's cool, he's good looking, he's smart, he's confident, and he knows how to take care of himself. jim's not the kind of guy people go after.
but it's true that people are different here, and he's not a scared little kid anymore. he's got friends - a lot of friends. but they can't always protect him, that's the whole reason behind their lessons. and as much as he likes to think that everyone on the fleet is good and kind unless the atroma messes with them, the truth is that's just not true.
he keeps the argument in his own head. he knows jim's advice - or at least thinks he does. you can't live your life in fear. what does that mean, though? how do you do it? ]
I feel like everybody knows, and everybody's looking at me different. [ which is mostly in his head and he knows it - but things that exist in your own head shape your reality. it's real to him. worst of all, he's scared kitty might be seeing him differently now. ]
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 05:33 am (UTC)[ He leaned back, taking another sip. He placed the glass down, rolling it back and forth slowly, making the liquid climb the sides. ]
But maybe I'm not the only person you should talk to about this, if it's really causing you this much worry.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 05:36 am (UTC)What doesn't cause me worry, I'm fine.
no subject
Date: 2016-10-03 05:48 am (UTC)[ He sighed. ]
We both know that the opinion you care about most right now is Kitty's. She's your partner, and I'm not an expert on relationships, but I bet you both will feel better about all of this if you talk it out. And that includes telling her what you just told me.
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