There has to be something more, Winn. I would do a lot for my friends, but
let's be honest - you're on the verge of collapsing. Surely Kara wouldn't
want that of you.
[ So it has to be you pushing this, has to be something in you driving
this. But what was it? ]
[ there's so much of him pushing it, that it's impossible to untangle it enough to find a start. ]
Do you know what it's like to feel helpless? [ he continues, as if he doesn't expect jim to be familiar with such a feeling. ] To have the one thing you have to contribute just -- be completely stripped away? If I don't find a new thing, then what the hell is the point of me?
[ he's always had an identity: the computer guy, the genius hacker, the guy who could work out any problem.
who is he now? the guy who bangs his head against the wall, figuring out a whole lot of nothing? who the hell wants to be friends with that guy? ]
[ Jim arches a brow because he does understand. He felt helpless when
Pike had died. When Marcus had told him he would kill his entire crew to
hide his crimes. He felt helpless here. His hand twitched and motioned
around them, as if Winn might pick up on that, but he didn't say it. ]
What makes you think that you've been stripped of what you are here? You're
smart, obviously, and you've been working on some very advanced
experiments. I would hardly call you helpless or useless here. You have
certain advantages over many here, I think.
Yeah I work on it - but I don't achieve anything. I have smart ideas, useless executions. If I didn't have Kitty, Cisco, Hank, and you to work with - I may as well have been shining a flashlight at Kara.
[ that is a gross exaggeration, but he's spewing out all the misery he's been forcing down for three months. ] You don't -- know what it's like, back home. If we - [ he sighs, trying to bite down on the anger that threatens to consume him. ] I should be able to figure out this code. Back home, I know I would've by now. I know these implants are supposedly just -- planting information and evoking reactions that should've come from years of practice but -- I swear, I know these are alien systems, but I was good enough. I would've reprogrammed these computers to get us on the Marsiva, opened the doors and got us the hell out in a week max. Okay, it may have taken longer -- but I would've done it. Instead -- I made some bowl gowns? [ he could cry. ]
There's nothing wrong with having help, Winn. All of my accomplishments are
not something I accomplished alone. It's all right to have help, to need it
too. None of this has to be your burden alone. In my experience, it's
having those very people that much you a better version of yourself.
And you can't blame yourself for what the Augments might be doing to us.
That's no ones fault. And I don't think you making ball gowns for the girls
was bad. You made them happy with them didn't you? You had fun yourself.
It's not bad to have fun, to take a break from the more serious issues
facing us all.
[ too much fun even, because despite all the ways this fleet is driving him insane - secretly it's getting harder and harder to want to leave. he's never had this many friends in his life. he's not sure he's had so many friends in his entire life combined. ]
I know it's fine to need help, this isn't some...macho ego trip, that ship is -- the Titanic. [ all is lost when you're making origami flowers with captain america. ] I just...I need to be able to do something.
[ kara is upset, she may say it even less than he does, but he knows that she is. he knows how badly she misses alex, james, her foster mom, ms. grant, everybody. he knows how badly she misses being supergirl. he's all she's got -- and it feels like she would've been better off being stranded with a carton of ice cream. ]
I know. I feel the same way. I've always been terrible at sitting back and
doing nothing. So I get it.
But Winn - even you have to see that you're only hurting yourself with the
way you're going about things. And if you get hurt, if you take yourself
out of commission - then how will you accomplish the things you want to
accomplish?
There is such a thing as to much work, Winn. There is such a thing as
trying to shoulder to much of a burden alone. So it might not be a meth
problem, but I think it's certainly a dangerous enough one.
[ wow he's starting to see kara's point, jim really can be insufferable sometimes. ]
I have friends and a girlfriend. I go out. I'm not exactly locked in my room talking to myself and building a bomb, can you take it down about 10,000?
[ is he crazy? is he really so bad and just not noticing it? dammit. he was starting to feel so decently secure with sanity until charles went and shook his confidence all over again. ]
I appreciate your concern - but you're making me sound like a menace to society.
[ which is only his biggest fear in life, no big deal. ]
I always work too much, it's how I got so good in the first place. I'm not going to kill myself - I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're thinking. Just a little [ a lot ] obsessive.
[ so is that what it all comes down to? what does a guy have to do to prove that he's not going to blow up your spaceship? gosh! ]
My best friend. In the world. In any world. Lost her powers. Lost her family. Lost her world. Is trying to get them back for her really so hard to understand?
[ He doesn't think you'll mean to, but accidents happen Winn. It's why
he doesn't like Kara using her laser eyes on the ship. ]
Hardly. I understand if. I would do anything for Spock or Bones or any of
my family on the Enterprise. I would simply prefer you not collapse because
of it.
Winn you're not a fool - tell me what happens to a human body when it goes
without appropriate amounts of sleep? For one your experiments are going to
suffer. For the other it runs a higher risks of more dangerous mistakes.
Really? Cuz last I checked, I work with smart, capable partners, I let you see my work, and I'm taking every precaution I can think of. So what exactly are you asking me to do here that I'm not already doing?
I know that. But there's more than just the sleep deprivation. It's the
obsessiveness - that you admitted to, mind. I don't want you to end up
crushing yourself because you have this idea that you aren't worth anything
if you aren't.
he's a good friend. he's a good boyfriend. he knows this, logically. how many times did he make kara smile since he got here, times she wouldn't have had if he weren't here? he's not keeping count, but it's a fair amount. he makes kitty laugh. sascha likes him so much he can barely peel the guy off of him. cisco trusted him with his deepest fears. margaery trusts him with the truth - he thinks. but it never feels like enough because he has so much to make up for. all the ugly, bitter, angry parts of himself, all the parts tinted by the shadow of insanity that's always hanging over his head, he could never atone for them.
he swallows on the lump forming in his throat.
his dad was obsessed too. he was so obsessed with his work, he was willing to kill for it. willing to break up their family. to leave him. there's nothing in the multiverse winn wants to avoid more than turning into his dad.
he's so tired. so tired of this fear always hanging over his head.
pulling himself up, he takes kirk's communicator with him. ]
I'll hook you up with that app.
[ the soul crushing sadness is almost overwhelming. ]
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action;
[ he shrugs. it's far from being that simple, but just thinking of all the background is making him choke up a little bit, so saying it? ]
I'd do anything for her.
[ and kitty, whose life depends on not going back to her home at her time. ]
Re: action;
There has to be something more, Winn. I would do a lot for my friends, but let's be honest - you're on the verge of collapsing. Surely Kara wouldn't want that of you.
[ So it has to be you pushing this, has to be something in you driving this. But what was it? ]
action;
Do you know what it's like to feel helpless? [ he continues, as if he doesn't expect jim to be familiar with such a feeling. ] To have the one thing you have to contribute just -- be completely stripped away? If I don't find a new thing, then what the hell is the point of me?
[ he's always had an identity: the computer guy, the genius hacker, the guy who could work out any problem.
who is he now? the guy who bangs his head against the wall, figuring out a whole lot of nothing? who the hell wants to be friends with that guy? ]
Re: action;
[ Jim arches a brow because he does understand. He felt helpless when Pike had died. When Marcus had told him he would kill his entire crew to hide his crimes. He felt helpless here. His hand twitched and motioned around them, as if Winn might pick up on that, but he didn't say it. ]
What makes you think that you've been stripped of what you are here? You're smart, obviously, and you've been working on some very advanced experiments. I would hardly call you helpless or useless here. You have certain advantages over many here, I think.
action;
[ that is a gross exaggeration, but he's spewing out all the misery he's been forcing down for three months. ] You don't -- know what it's like, back home. If we - [ he sighs, trying to bite down on the anger that threatens to consume him. ] I should be able to figure out this code. Back home, I know I would've by now. I know these implants are supposedly just -- planting information and evoking reactions that should've come from years of practice but -- I swear, I know these are alien systems, but I was good enough. I would've reprogrammed these computers to get us on the Marsiva, opened the doors and got us the hell out in a week max. Okay, it may have taken longer -- but I would've done it. Instead -- I made some bowl gowns? [ he could cry. ]
Re: action;
There's nothing wrong with having help, Winn. All of my accomplishments are not something I accomplished alone. It's all right to have help, to need it too. None of this has to be your burden alone. In my experience, it's having those very people that much you a better version of yourself.
And you can't blame yourself for what the Augments might be doing to us. That's no ones fault. And I don't think you making ball gowns for the girls was bad. You made them happy with them didn't you? You had fun yourself. It's not bad to have fun, to take a break from the more serious issues facing us all.
action;
[ too much fun even, because despite all the ways this fleet is driving him insane - secretly it's getting harder and harder to want to leave. he's never had this many friends in his life. he's not sure he's had so many friends in his entire life combined. ]
I know it's fine to need help, this isn't some...macho ego trip, that ship is -- the Titanic. [ all is lost when you're making origami flowers with captain america. ] I just...I need to be able to do something.
[ kara is upset, she may say it even less than he does, but he knows that she is. he knows how badly she misses alex, james, her foster mom, ms. grant, everybody. he knows how badly she misses being supergirl. he's all she's got -- and it feels like she would've been better off being stranded with a carton of ice cream. ]
Re: action;
I know. I feel the same way. I've always been terrible at sitting back and doing nothing. So I get it.
But Winn - even you have to see that you're only hurting yourself with the way you're going about things. And if you get hurt, if you take yourself out of commission - then how will you accomplish the things you want to accomplish?
action;
Re: action;
There is such a thing as to much work, Winn. There is such a thing as trying to shoulder to much of a burden alone. So it might not be a meth problem, but I think it's certainly a dangerous enough one.
action;
I have friends and a girlfriend. I go out. I'm not exactly locked in my room talking to myself and building a bomb, can you take it down about 10,000?
[ is he crazy? is he really so bad and just not noticing it? dammit. he was starting to feel so decently secure with sanity until charles went and shook his confidence all over again. ]
Re: action;
[ There's a bit of bristling, but he keeps it down. ]
I'm just concerned, Winn, that's all. Should I apologize for being concerned for your welfare? For wanting to help you?
action;
[ which is only his biggest fear in life, no big deal. ]
I always work too much, it's how I got so good in the first place. I'm not going to kill myself - I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're thinking. Just a little [ a lot ] obsessive.
Re: action;
Yes and you ever think that's a problem? Why are you so obsessed with them to the point of what looks alarmingly like sleep deprivation?
[ And you well could be. Tired minds made mistakes and your experiments could have some serious consequences of mistakes are made. ]
action;
My best friend. In the world. In any world. Lost her powers. Lost her family. Lost her world. Is trying to get them back for her really so hard to understand?
Re: action;
[ He doesn't think you'll mean to, but accidents happen Winn. It's why he doesn't like Kara using her laser eyes on the ship. ]
Hardly. I understand if. I would do anything for Spock or Bones or any of my family on the Enterprise. I would simply prefer you not collapse because of it.
action;
Re: action;
Training for this?
Winn you're not a fool - tell me what happens to a human body when it goes without appropriate amounts of sleep? For one your experiments are going to suffer. For the other it runs a higher risks of more dangerous mistakes.
And then what will you do?
action;
Re: action;
You have my trust! Otherwise I would have jettisoned your mini-sun a long time ago. But even you have to admit that there's reason to be concerned.
action;
Re: action;
To take care of yourself!
action;
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I know that. But there's more than just the sleep deprivation. It's the obsessiveness - that you admitted to, mind. I don't want you to end up crushing yourself because you have this idea that you aren't worth anything if you aren't.
action;
and lets it out.
he's a good friend. he's a good boyfriend. he knows this, logically. how many times did he make kara smile since he got here, times she wouldn't have had if he weren't here? he's not keeping count, but it's a fair amount. he makes kitty laugh. sascha likes him so much he can barely peel the guy off of him. cisco trusted him with his deepest fears. margaery trusts him with the truth - he thinks. but it never feels like enough because he has so much to make up for. all the ugly, bitter, angry parts of himself, all the parts tinted by the shadow of insanity that's always hanging over his head, he could never atone for them.
he swallows on the lump forming in his throat.
his dad was obsessed too. he was so obsessed with his work, he was willing to kill for it. willing to break up their family. to leave him. there's nothing in the multiverse winn wants to avoid more than turning into his dad.
he's so tired. so tired of this fear always hanging over his head.
pulling himself up, he takes kirk's communicator with him. ]
I'll hook you up with that app.
[ the soul crushing sadness is almost overwhelming. ]
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