winn | IC CONTACT @ driftfleet

Of course I understand. How do you think I felt after Winter?

[ he turns his eyes over to look at her. ]

I still feel that rage. [ it's exactly why he knows to fear it. ]

[She kisses his temple softly.] I didn't realize you felt like that. [She could have, should have guessed but she didn't really know.]

The woman I love was hurt. [ he shrugs a little ] How else am I gonna feel? I just...I redirect it. To my work. And when that doesn't work, I fight with Jim.

[ which is unfair to jim and he really has to quit doing it. he needs to find a new way to deal with his pent up emotions. whatever it is, though, it can't ever be what kitty's done. ]

[It was Winn getting hurt. It was also feeling like she should have been able to stop it and...] I felt betrayed which isn't fair but I did and I wanted him to know I felt betrayed. And it wasn't the right way to handle any of it. I know.

I just want to make things better for you. [And Sascha too.]

I get that. I feel betrayed too.

[ present tense. he's not over it. ]

I want to make things better for both of us. We're a team, right? [ he leans his head against her. ]

[More magic words. She's actually a little choked up.] We're a team. [She kisses him softly.]

Do you... Do you feel like I betrayed you?

[ he weighs his words carefully, but his head is still swimming and it feels a little hard to concentrate. ]

I'm...I'm just wondering why you get so upset at me for not telling you things that happened years before I ever met you, when you're not telling me things that are happening now until it's too late for me to do anything about them.

[ he doesn't want to say yes, so he takes the roundabout way there. he does feel betrayed. if she'd have told him about sascha that same day, if she'd have told him how she felt before she'd gone to see sascha, if she'd have told him so many things, instead of bringing them up later..even now. she went to see sascha, and she's telling him after the fact. is he that unreasonable and untrustworthy? because he really doesn't feel like he's done anything to deserve that. ]

I know trust is hard for you, but it's hard to be a team when I'm always one step behind.

You feel like I get upset with you? I mean...I don't feel that way. Sometimes I worry about it or I just want to know you better. I don't mean to make you feel like I'm angry. I'm not. [But she knows that's also not really the point. It's not the thing bothering him.]

I was scared to tell you about what I did before. [She is having trouble looking at him, but she makes herself. She feels so vulnerable right now.] I didn't want you to think less of me.

And today, I just didn't want you to be worried. I know it hasn't been easy and I needed to see him but I didn't think I could leave you if I knew you were going to be really worried.

But I really wasn't hiding anything before. I tell you lots of things even when they aren't easy. [Like when Robb Stark was begging to play with her breasts.] I'm not usually planning them so I can't tell you before. [Or she just doesn't know what will upset him like the thing with Tyrion. She just never thought about it that way.]

It's more than that -- you didn't want to tell me how you felt before you went and did it, too. I know I'm a mess [ he's not going to sugarcoat it, he's a wreak of a person ] and you probably thought the same thing I do when I hold on to stuff - that you'd be bothering me, adding on things, that you needed to shield me from your pain. But Kitty, this isn't gonna work like that. You say I put you on a pedestal - but you treat me like I'm made of porcelain. I'm not going to break because you tell me something I don't like, and I'm not going to break up with you because you got angry. But if I feel like I can't trust you - I'm gonna worry every time you're out of my sight, and that's a relationship killer. I'm your boyfriend, you gotta be able to talk to me. You don't have to tell me everything but the big stuff - that you're feeling betrayed, that you need to see Sascha - am I really that unreasonable you think I wouldn't understand that? So I'd ask you to text me that you're ok every couple minutes when you're with him. So what. So I'd cry with you instead of just holding you. That's not gonna kill me.

[She holds him closer.] I want you to trust me.

It wasn't that long ago you told me I was treating you too much like a superhero. Maybe I over corrected. [Because that and porcelain are kind of opposites.]

I don't always know what I'm feeling in the moment. [Not until she's already reacted to it. That's when she breaks it down and figures out what happened. It's not the best, but it's also something she can't change overnight and isn't because of Winn in any way.] But I'll do my best.

And I need you to let me know when you consider things big because I don't think we always see it the same way. I don't think you're unreasonable, but you do surprise me sometimes like with the meal for Tyrion. [She just didn't see it coming.]

[ he smiles a little, shaking his head ]

I know it's counter-intuitive, but you can do both. Look, I'm never gonna be...used to dealing with danger. If something like this happens again, I'm gonna be upset and I'm gonna fall hard and I'm gonna lash out - that's the - I'm not a superhero part of things. But -- when the smoke clears, I still want to be someone you rely on. I'd rather worry when I should than worry all the time because I don't know if I should or shouldn't be worrying. I know it's a fine line and we're gonna fall on both sides of it - a lot. I just hate feeling like I'm untrustworthy to you.

[ he reaches for her hand. ]

I can do that. We both need to be better at communicating - we know that about ourselves. But we didn't do too bad today, did we?

[She threads their fingers together.] That makes sense. [And it does. No reservations this time.]

We did pretty okay. [She manages a little smile.] So, visiting Sascha again, you want me to tell you first and text while I'm there?

Yes please. You don't have to say anything, I'll take just - any sign of life.

[ he scooches a little closer to her, leaning on her a little more - physically as well as metaphorically. ]

[Leaning is good. She can handle that.] It's a deal.

And Winn, I am sorry. Just...for anytime I've ever made you feel like I don't trust you. Thank you for understanding and wanting to be a team through it. That means everything to me.

Thanks. [ it feels nice, to be acknowledged, to be apologized to, like he actually matters. he's still not used to it, which makes him appreciate it all the more. ]

I'm sorry too, I know it's not coming out of a void, I have bad reactions sometimes. I'm trying to work on it. I want to be better, I really do. I just...want to be someone you can believe in, as much as I believe in you.

Thank you. And I know you're working on it.

For what it's worth there's no one I wanted to see more after leaving the Bloodsport tonight even though I knew it would be hard for both of us. [She didn't know it would be this hard but she figured things would come up in one way or another even if it was just Winn's fears.]

It's worth a lot.

[ he means it, too. holding her, he just runs his fingers quietly through her hair for a moment. ]

[She rests her head on his shoulder and enjoys the closeness.] Curl up in bed with me?

I think that's a good idea.

[ was he on the verge of a panic attack or something worse? he should probably get himself properly checked out. ]

[Probably. But the only people she could think to send him to would be Beverly or Simon for medical needs and then Charles for mental, but a telepath is pretty extreme and she isn't sure she trusts enough for that to really help her. It's a lot to suggest.

She lifts her head up and kisses his cheek before she steps back toward the bed, pulling him along and not bothering to take her clothes off or change out of them.]

I am good at those. Sometimes.

Usually.

[ he isn't ready for a telepath, and in any case - he doesn't think it will help him, either. he needs someone to teach him how to talk, how to open up, not take away the necessity because they have an open line directly into his head.

he follows along, curling up close to her. ]

[She likes that correction as she nuzzles in against his neck and breathes deeply.] I like us. [They have their problems. Things usually get worse before they get better. But then they get back to this and it's reassuring.]

[ considering their environment and how quick they got close, this was bound to happen eventually, it's amazing it took them this long to start having problems. but they don't break them, and that feels good. this is the most open he's ever been in a relationship, romantic or otherwise. ]

Me too.

[ he strokes her hair, it's practically reflex by now. ]

[It's a good reflex.] Mmmm... I could fall asleep like this. [Except that's no feat. She only has trouble sleeping without him. He's the one who can't escape his own mind.]

Go for it. [ he smiles softly ] Sleep's good for you. Just ask Jim, he can't shut up about it. [ fondly ]

IC CONTACT @ driftfleet

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject