[ and the way she says it - so earnestly - is like a slap to his face. he swallows hard, avoiding her eyes, before nodding. ]
That's what I think, too. [ he really does believe that. he just doesn't know how to find his way out of the hole of smiles and optimism he dug for himself.
he leans back into her arms, and it's all he can do to hold the waterworks in - so many emotions are battling for control inside of him, and he's not sure which he's rooting for. ]
[ he indulges in the hug quietly for a moment, gathering up the courage to say what needs to be said - what he should have said when she tried to give him an out. he only had the nerve to mention it in passing, today it's going to have to be his turn to man up and give her the story.
he pulls back, meeting her eyes again and god - she looks so trusting. what if she'll take it as a betrayal? after everything she's told him...he's been holding back so much. ]
I'm afraid you wouldn't want me if I told you. Which - is why I should've a long time ago, I'm sorry.
[ his voice is quiet, resigned, defeated. ] Do you remember I told you about -- being like my dad? [ of course she does, winn, it's one of the only substantial things you've told her about yourself. pretty easy to remember. ]
[She's worried about him and how deeply this is hitting him. Whatever "this" is, but she'd be lying if she said there wasn't a flicker of nervousness at the way he's talking. Her initial thought is that of course she wouldn't feel that way. Of course she'd still want him whatever it is, but the thought that he's been hiding things, maybe lying to her without any idea that he was doing so is...unsettling. It's why she doesn't offer any upfront comfort to let him know it couldn't happen.
[ he wouldn't believe it if she did, anyway, not really. because she doesn't know yet. ]
He was an angry man. But the quiet sort of angry, the - never tell anyone about it and bottle it up until he exploded sort of angry. And ever since that happened, I've been scared to get angry. Every time I do - I can see him right before my eyes, I can see what he's become what I could become. And for years, I've done the same thing, I buried that anger, I wanted it to not exist. But that doesn't work, and I don't want to explode, I don't want to be him, but I have so much of it inside of me especially here and I am just - so afraid that it'll consume me, eradicate all the things that set us apart and leave nothing but him behind.
[She isn't really ready to relax once he finishes, because now she knows he's bottling things up and she doesn't know what things those are, but she can understand why he is and why it scares him. She wants to hug him again but she's not sure he'd accept it so she squeezes his hand instead.]
Have you been angry at me? [Her voice is gentle. She just wants the truth whatever it is.]
[ there's nothing but honesty on his face and in his voice, as he shakes his head. ]
I'm angry at what you've been through. I'm angry at this multiverse for not giving you a break - you and Kara, you're the best people I've ever met, and it just....won't. Stop. I'm angry that Kara's stuck here without her family, that you have to lose your friends, that I don't have a solution - finding solutions is what I do it's my - one contribution to society and it's gone. [ kara told him it's not about what he does - it's about who he is. but the person that he is doesn't feel particularly worthwhile right now, so it's of little comfort. ]
I'm angry at myself, for not being the great guy you deserve. But never at you. You and Kara - [ even when he's upset with her ] you're what keeps me grounded.
[She reaches up to gently touch his cheek.] You can show me anger, Winn. I want you to show me who you really are. I understand why you'd want to hold it back, but everyone gets angry. Everyone. Heroes too. [It's also why she should have realized something was being held back sooner. Is she missing anything else? There's been so much more self doubt since she realized Piotr betrayed her. Even over a year later she still struggles with it and it doesn't help to find out things like Logan turned into their enemy and Winn has been hiding all this anger and Margaery was telling her half truths at best. How many people has she been misjudging?]
Your value isn't in solving problems. It's just you.
[ he sniffles, not sure he can hold out much longer. he doesn't deserve her, he doesn't deserve this understanding, but he's not going to fight it either. which, may just be further proof to how much he doesn't deserve her. ]
Not everyone has his genes. [ he looks about as vulnerable as he must have all those years ago - when he was 11 years old and dad was dragged off by the fbi. still murdering. ] I hate this part of me. [ hate doesn't feel like a strong enough word ] I don't want it to exist and sometimes [ always. ] it's easier to pretend it doesn't. I want to be good, helpful, yours -- not his.
[ will he ever stop being haunted? please, he just wants it to stop at some point. he needs to know that this fear isn't going to be the rest of his life, isn't going to accompany every strong emotion he ever feels. ]
I just want to be a better man. [ and fake it until you make it is his method of choice. ]
[Okay, she needs to give him a hug right now and she hopes it's what he needs too because it's coming his way.]
Genes don't determine that. [Of course she thinks back to Reid's criminology classes and how there were certain brain patterns that would indicate... But she isn't going into that now. She's known people with good parents who were rotten and vice versa.]
What does the anger make you want to do? When you think about the things that have hurt me and it makes you angry, what do you want to do about it? [She assumes his answer won't be murdering children at a toy convention, but if it is this would be a good time to find out.]
[ he clings to her as if he's drowning, and she's his life vest. if only there was some way to be sure, some test he could take that will prove that he's sane - that he'll stay that way. ]
Stop them.
[ but now that he stops to think about it...even in his darkest moments, he doesn't want to kill them. don't get him wrong, he won't cry if they end up dead - heck depending who it is, he might even be happy - but he doesn't want to strike them down. just disable.
and more, so much more than that - he wants to protect her, keep her safe, take her home with him. it's not conclusive, but maybe...this is his test? ]
Protect you. Take Kara home. Take - [ he only barely remembers to stop himself, to bite down on his lip. she asked him not to, and he knows why, he understands why. she doesn't need every specific to understand how he feels, right?
when he speaks next, it's like he just had a revelation. ]
I don't want to hurt anyone I just...don't want to let anyone get hurt, either.
[She tenderly moves her fingers through his hair.] In my not so professional opinion that doesn't sound like the kind of anger you need to worry about. [It's milder than her own. She very sincerely wanted to kill Hank when he arrived. It dissipated quickly, but it was there. It's what she would do with her world's Dark Beast. He's not the one who should worry about being a killer. She already is.]
You are a good person beating yourself up over something someone else did. He named you after him, but he can't make you be like him. You just aren't.
[ it's like his mind has gone blank with the relief. his whole life, he's been terrified to let himself feel and now - that fear isn't gone, because that's not how life works, but it's lifted, just a little.
maybe he can do it without turning into a monster after all.
love and gratitude come at him in tidal waves, washing out the ugliness that's been trapping him in his own head. not bottling things up feels amazing. he should have told kitty a long time ago because she deserves to know - but he should also have told her a long time ago because it would have set him free. how did he not think to ask himself that? for such a smart guy, he can be a total moron sometimes. and even for a total moron - he can be a totaler moron. ]
I never want to be. I told Kara -- never to let me hurt anyone. [ he's terrified of being hurt, but if the choice is becoming his father or die? give him sanity or give him death. though, he doubts kara would ever give him death. it would most likely be give him prison and extensive therapy. ]
I don't think you'd let you hurt someone. And...I don't know if this is the thing you need to hear right now or if it even makes sense. I have kind of a...skewed background. But hurting someone isn't the wrong thing to do if it's your only option to save others. It doesn't feel good. It shouldn't, but... [She takes a breath. Is she just trying to justify actions she shouldn't have taken here? She still feels like she was making the right choices back then under the circumstances though.]
I hope it's not a situation you find yourself in, but I trust you to make the right call if you do and to still be you and not him.
[ her faith in him is overwhelming and he's just out of words.
he holds her tight.
in the world she grew up in -- he can't say that she's wrong. it doesn't look like that world ever gives anyone another choice, much as he wants to believe there always is one. but even so, what he's willing to excuse for her and for kara is entirely different from what he's willing to accept of himself. double standards all the way. ]
[Before this conversation if they had been in a place like this she would have just contently held him, trusting they were on the same page and all was well and it was just time for quiet and touch. She can't do that now. Not when she realizes he's been holding back with her, maybe for awhile.]
Hey... Say something. I can't know what you're thinking when you don't.
I love you. [ his voice is honest, and grateful, and a little choked up. ]
And I really hope you didn't just change your mind, cuz in that case I just made things awkward -
[ joke? yes? he can practically hear the soap-opera-ish dramatic music in the background, there have been far too much expression of feelings on his part for his comfort. ]
[ oh google, lord of the internet. you may be far, but you are almighty! hear his prayer now - please don't let him cry like a little girl right now. he may have reached the line of what his pride could handle.
he nods earnestly. ]
Honestly you may have kinda created a monster here because I have been repressing this for literally my entire adult life and I love you, and I love being with you, and being with you - but this is the best release I've ever gotten and -- that sounded really wrong after the last thing I mentioned - I don't mean that - you know what, maybe you don't need every thought, right? Please shut me up now -
[ she called it on day one: he talks a lot when he's nervous. though right now, it's the best kind of nervous energy he's had in a long time. ]
[She cups his face between her hands and leans in intent on following his instructions to shut him up even though she really likes hearing these things. But she can be his outlet for some of that nervous energy.
Whatever worries she was holding onto going into this talk have been released again and she relaxes into the kiss, pouring her affection and love for him into it.]
[ he returns the kiss, feeling lighter and happier than he would've thought he had any right to be before this conversation.
he's angry that kitty wasn't there his whole life - that she didn't live hers in the relative safety of his world. but that's alright. he can use that now, use that anger to motivate him, to make this as right as possible, so they could live out the rest of their lives having all the things they were deprived of before. ]
I love you. [It needed to be said again. So why not fit in between kisses?] I'm glad to help with all of your releases. [Which can sound as heartfelt or dirty as you want really. Both apply.]
[She smiles. This is a happy kind of attention. Has he already figured out she really likes it when you kiss her neck? Smart boy. It makes it hard to think of words and things that aren't this so maybe she'll just tilt her head back and let it be this now.] Good team.
[ he's a very smart boy, and when it comes to kitty - a very dedicated and attentive student. ]
Great team.
[ he mumbles his consent into her neck. this is good. after all the emotions that have been shoving each other out of the driver seat in the past 10 minutes - the simplicity of this is perfect. ]
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momijizukamori and
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 02:49 pm (UTC)That's what I think, too. [ he really does believe that. he just doesn't know how to find his way out of the hole of smiles and optimism he dug for himself.
he leans back into her arms, and it's all he can do to hold the waterworks in - so many emotions are battling for control inside of him, and he's not sure which he's rooting for. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 02:52 pm (UTC)Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:02 pm (UTC)he pulls back, meeting her eyes again and god - she looks so trusting. what if she'll take it as a betrayal? after everything she's told him...he's been holding back so much. ]
I'm afraid you wouldn't want me if I told you. Which - is why I should've a long time ago, I'm sorry.
[ his voice is quiet, resigned, defeated. ] Do you remember I told you about -- being like my dad? [ of course she does, winn, it's one of the only substantial things you've told her about yourself. pretty easy to remember. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:08 pm (UTC)She nods before giving a more audible answer.]
Of course.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:16 pm (UTC)He was an angry man. But the quiet sort of angry, the - never tell anyone about it and bottle it up until he exploded sort of angry. And ever since that happened, I've been scared to get angry. Every time I do - I can see him right before my eyes, I can see what he's become what I could become. And for years, I've done the same thing, I buried that anger, I wanted it to not exist. But that doesn't work, and I don't want to explode, I don't want to be him, but I have so much of it inside of me especially here and I am just - so afraid that it'll consume me, eradicate all the things that set us apart and leave nothing but him behind.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:21 pm (UTC)Have you been angry at me? [Her voice is gentle. She just wants the truth whatever it is.]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:30 pm (UTC)[ there's nothing but honesty on his face and in his voice, as he shakes his head. ]
I'm angry at what you've been through. I'm angry at this multiverse for not giving you a break - you and Kara, you're the best people I've ever met, and it just....won't. Stop. I'm angry that Kara's stuck here without her family, that you have to lose your friends, that I don't have a solution - finding solutions is what I do it's my - one contribution to society and it's gone. [ kara told him it's not about what he does - it's about who he is. but the person that he is doesn't feel particularly worthwhile right now, so it's of little comfort. ]
I'm angry at myself, for not being the great guy you deserve. But never at you. You and Kara - [ even when he's upset with her ] you're what keeps me grounded.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:37 pm (UTC)Your value isn't in solving problems. It's just you.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:48 pm (UTC)Not everyone has his genes. [ he looks about as vulnerable as he must have all those years ago - when he was 11 years old and dad was dragged off by the fbi. still murdering. ] I hate this part of me. [ hate doesn't feel like a strong enough word ] I don't want it to exist and sometimes [ always. ] it's easier to pretend it doesn't. I want to be good, helpful, yours -- not his.
[ will he ever stop being haunted? please, he just wants it to stop at some point. he needs to know that this fear isn't going to be the rest of his life, isn't going to accompany every strong emotion he ever feels. ]
I just want to be a better man. [ and fake it until you make it is his method of choice. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 03:59 pm (UTC)Genes don't determine that. [Of course she thinks back to Reid's criminology classes and how there were certain brain patterns that would indicate... But she isn't going into that now. She's known people with good parents who were rotten and vice versa.]
What does the anger make you want to do? When you think about the things that have hurt me and it makes you angry, what do you want to do about it? [She assumes his answer won't be murdering children at a toy convention, but if it is this would be a good time to find out.]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 04:11 pm (UTC)Stop them.
[ but now that he stops to think about it...even in his darkest moments, he doesn't want to kill them. don't get him wrong, he won't cry if they end up dead - heck depending who it is, he might even be happy - but he doesn't want to strike them down. just disable.
and more, so much more than that - he wants to protect her, keep her safe, take her home with him. it's not conclusive, but maybe...this is his test? ]
Protect you. Take Kara home. Take - [ he only barely remembers to stop himself, to bite down on his lip. she asked him not to, and he knows why, he understands why. she doesn't need every specific to understand how he feels, right?
when he speaks next, it's like he just had a revelation. ]
I don't want to hurt anyone I just...don't want to let anyone get hurt, either.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 04:20 pm (UTC)You are a good person beating yourself up over something someone else did. He named you after him, but he can't make you be like him. You just aren't.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 04:35 pm (UTC)maybe he can do it without turning into a monster after all.
love and gratitude come at him in tidal waves, washing out the ugliness that's been trapping him in his own head. not bottling things up feels amazing. he should have told kitty a long time ago because she deserves to know - but he should also have told her a long time ago because it would have set him free. how did he not think to ask himself that? for such a smart guy, he can be a total moron sometimes. and even for a total moron - he can be a totaler moron. ]
I never want to be. I told Kara -- never to let me hurt anyone. [ he's terrified of being hurt, but if the choice is becoming his father or die? give him sanity or give him death. though, he doubts kara would ever give him death. it would most likely be give him prison and extensive therapy. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:12 pm (UTC)I hope it's not a situation you find yourself in, but I trust you to make the right call if you do and to still be you and not him.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:16 pm (UTC)he holds her tight.
in the world she grew up in -- he can't say that she's wrong. it doesn't look like that world ever gives anyone another choice, much as he wants to believe there always is one. but even so, what he's willing to excuse for her and for kara is entirely different from what he's willing to accept of himself. double standards all the way. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:19 pm (UTC)Hey... Say something. I can't know what you're thinking when you don't.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:23 pm (UTC)I love you. [ his voice is honest, and grateful, and a little choked up. ]
And I really hope you didn't just change your mind, cuz in that case I just made things awkward -
[ joke? yes? he can practically hear the soap-opera-ish dramatic music in the background, there have been far too much expression of feelings on his part for his comfort. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:36 pm (UTC)Of course I haven't changed my mind, but I need you to be honest with me even when it's hard. I want to be with you. The real you. All of you.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:44 pm (UTC)he nods earnestly. ]
Honestly you may have kinda created a monster here because I have been repressing this for literally my entire adult life and I love you, and I love being with you, and being with you - but this is the best release I've ever gotten and -- that sounded really wrong after the last thing I mentioned - I don't mean that - you know what, maybe you don't need every thought, right? Please shut me up now -
[ she called it on day one: he talks a lot when he's nervous. though right now, it's the best kind of nervous energy he's had in a long time. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:50 pm (UTC)Whatever worries she was holding onto going into this talk have been released again and she relaxes into the kiss, pouring her affection and love for him into it.]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 05:54 pm (UTC)he's angry that kitty wasn't there his whole life - that she didn't live hers in the relative safety of his world. but that's alright. he can use that now, use that anger to motivate him, to make this as right as possible, so they could live out the rest of their lives having all the things they were deprived of before. ]
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 06:06 pm (UTC)Action
Date: 2016-05-02 06:08 pm (UTC)he laughs, almost giddy, and kisses his way down to her neck ]
Likewise.
Action
Date: 2016-05-02 10:01 pm (UTC)Action
Date: 2016-05-03 05:16 am (UTC)Great team.
[ he mumbles his consent into her neck. this is good. after all the emotions that have been shoving each other out of the driver seat in the past 10 minutes - the simplicity of this is perfect. ]