[He does such a good job of hiding it and distracting her with nice things like calling her beautiful. She leans in to kiss him when she should be pressing him for more information. She does want to know him on a deeper level. She has. She's never felt so close to him as when he was telling her about his father. But she knows his world isn't like hers and sometimes she overcompensates for that and assumes things are easier and more perfect than they really are.]
[ oh - victory. he returns the kiss, happy for the distraction.
he's happy to let her think that, after everything she's been through in her life, he doesn't want her wasting her concern on him, doesn't want to make her feel any more sadness than she already has. ]
[Happy kisses. She doesn't get too carried away in them just yet. She likes kissing time a lot but she also likes talking and getting to know him better and just sharing thoughts. So when she pulls away with a smile she opts for a topic that he's always good with.]
How's Kara doing? It's been a few days since I talked to her.
[ oh come on. 5 seconds? that's how long his victory gets to last? really multiverse? he clenches his fist on the bed, trying to resist the urge to tangle it in his hair or his clothes or anything that would be too painfully obvious. ]
She's visiting friends a lot, keeping busy I guess.
[Putting it in his hair would have been the more obvious tell for him, but clenching his fist on the bed is...odd. She doesn't notice it at first but when she does there's a long pause.]
Friends that aren't us? [She's not jealous. This is her probing at last.]
Well, I'm right here and you haven't talked to her in a while so -- yeah, I think that's a safe bet.
[ he doesn't mean to quip, but it just slips out. he's angry at himself, angry at kara, angry at the world that won't just allow him to be angry like a normal person without all this added guilt and fear and pain - she's his best friend. shouldn't he be able to tell her when she crosses a line? isn't that real friendship, coming to each other about these things instead of letting them fester beneath the surface? then why does he feel like the villain of the story? ]
...Yes. [It's not a very Winn-like reply at least it isn't what she's come to know and for right now she just waits quietly, expectantly for something more than sarcasm. She's not put off by it. Just a little surprised and uncertain about what it means.]
[ he looks at her for a moment, before sighing, shoulders slumping. he can blame how he's feeling on a lot of factors, and a lot of people, but not one of them's kitty, and she doesn't deserve this. ]
Sorry, just - we had a - [ how do you call it when one friend expresses anger at another friend until the other friend gets it and apologizes, and everyone leaves feeling worse for the experience, though the first friend feels a little less like a powder keg ready to explode? ] not!fight. Things are a little weird, guess I'm just a little highly strung.
[She wraps her arms around him in a hug. She knows how she'd be feeling if things were tense with her and Kurt. As much as she loves Winn, he's of her world. He understands her in ways it would take Winn years to get. She's sure it must be something like that for Winn now.] What happened?
[ it's that, coupled with the lesson the black mercy hammered into his head right before he woke up here - what she does is dangerous. they don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so he can't let her think that she's not the best thing that's ever happened to him in his whole life for a single day - because that just might be the day he loses her. but when push came to shove - he left, letting her feel she's let him down (and in a way she has, but they wouldn't be best friends if they didn't occasionally fuck up around each other - they wouldn't be themselves. they wouldn't be human, metaphorically speaking), and he hasn't been able to bring himself to knock on her door since.
he wants to make this right, but he doesn't know how, doesn't know what to say. the gift he's prepared for her sits in his closet, waiting for him to man up and take it to her.
he allows himself to sink into the hug, but only for a moment. he's not sure he deserves it. ]
Just... [ now his hand goes up in his hair ] had to tell her I wasn't ok with something, she apologized. [ he wants to open up about how this is affecting him, about his doubts about himself. but kitty is kara's friend - talking to her about kara feels wrong, it feels like doing the very thing he asked kara not to. and while the argument was about kara sharing his information without his consent - it's the fact that doing so hurt kitty that led them to having it.
without all that context, though, the way he's acting probably looks pretty ridiculous. but hey, he's a ridiculous man, right? ]
We'll be fine we're just not that great at the real talks.
[She's curious what it was about and almost asks, but she figures there is a line in there somewhere that maybe she shouldn't ask to cross.
She pulls back to look at him, taking one of his hands in hers and holding it.] It's a hard thing, but it's worthwhile. I mean, you can't have a real connection to someone without being able to be open and honest with them about how you feel. [She looks at him earnestly thinking only of his situation with Kara since she doesn't realize how much he's holding back from her.]
[ and the way she says it - so earnestly - is like a slap to his face. he swallows hard, avoiding her eyes, before nodding. ]
That's what I think, too. [ he really does believe that. he just doesn't know how to find his way out of the hole of smiles and optimism he dug for himself.
he leans back into her arms, and it's all he can do to hold the waterworks in - so many emotions are battling for control inside of him, and he's not sure which he's rooting for. ]
[ he indulges in the hug quietly for a moment, gathering up the courage to say what needs to be said - what he should have said when she tried to give him an out. he only had the nerve to mention it in passing, today it's going to have to be his turn to man up and give her the story.
he pulls back, meeting her eyes again and god - she looks so trusting. what if she'll take it as a betrayal? after everything she's told him...he's been holding back so much. ]
I'm afraid you wouldn't want me if I told you. Which - is why I should've a long time ago, I'm sorry.
[ his voice is quiet, resigned, defeated. ] Do you remember I told you about -- being like my dad? [ of course she does, winn, it's one of the only substantial things you've told her about yourself. pretty easy to remember. ]
[She's worried about him and how deeply this is hitting him. Whatever "this" is, but she'd be lying if she said there wasn't a flicker of nervousness at the way he's talking. Her initial thought is that of course she wouldn't feel that way. Of course she'd still want him whatever it is, but the thought that he's been hiding things, maybe lying to her without any idea that he was doing so is...unsettling. It's why she doesn't offer any upfront comfort to let him know it couldn't happen.
[ he wouldn't believe it if she did, anyway, not really. because she doesn't know yet. ]
He was an angry man. But the quiet sort of angry, the - never tell anyone about it and bottle it up until he exploded sort of angry. And ever since that happened, I've been scared to get angry. Every time I do - I can see him right before my eyes, I can see what he's become what I could become. And for years, I've done the same thing, I buried that anger, I wanted it to not exist. But that doesn't work, and I don't want to explode, I don't want to be him, but I have so much of it inside of me especially here and I am just - so afraid that it'll consume me, eradicate all the things that set us apart and leave nothing but him behind.
[She isn't really ready to relax once he finishes, because now she knows he's bottling things up and she doesn't know what things those are, but she can understand why he is and why it scares him. She wants to hug him again but she's not sure he'd accept it so she squeezes his hand instead.]
Have you been angry at me? [Her voice is gentle. She just wants the truth whatever it is.]
[ there's nothing but honesty on his face and in his voice, as he shakes his head. ]
I'm angry at what you've been through. I'm angry at this multiverse for not giving you a break - you and Kara, you're the best people I've ever met, and it just....won't. Stop. I'm angry that Kara's stuck here without her family, that you have to lose your friends, that I don't have a solution - finding solutions is what I do it's my - one contribution to society and it's gone. [ kara told him it's not about what he does - it's about who he is. but the person that he is doesn't feel particularly worthwhile right now, so it's of little comfort. ]
I'm angry at myself, for not being the great guy you deserve. But never at you. You and Kara - [ even when he's upset with her ] you're what keeps me grounded.
[She reaches up to gently touch his cheek.] You can show me anger, Winn. I want you to show me who you really are. I understand why you'd want to hold it back, but everyone gets angry. Everyone. Heroes too. [It's also why she should have realized something was being held back sooner. Is she missing anything else? There's been so much more self doubt since she realized Piotr betrayed her. Even over a year later she still struggles with it and it doesn't help to find out things like Logan turned into their enemy and Winn has been hiding all this anger and Margaery was telling her half truths at best. How many people has she been misjudging?]
Your value isn't in solving problems. It's just you.
[ he sniffles, not sure he can hold out much longer. he doesn't deserve her, he doesn't deserve this understanding, but he's not going to fight it either. which, may just be further proof to how much he doesn't deserve her. ]
Not everyone has his genes. [ he looks about as vulnerable as he must have all those years ago - when he was 11 years old and dad was dragged off by the fbi. still murdering. ] I hate this part of me. [ hate doesn't feel like a strong enough word ] I don't want it to exist and sometimes [ always. ] it's easier to pretend it doesn't. I want to be good, helpful, yours -- not his.
[ will he ever stop being haunted? please, he just wants it to stop at some point. he needs to know that this fear isn't going to be the rest of his life, isn't going to accompany every strong emotion he ever feels. ]
I just want to be a better man. [ and fake it until you make it is his method of choice. ]
[Okay, she needs to give him a hug right now and she hopes it's what he needs too because it's coming his way.]
Genes don't determine that. [Of course she thinks back to Reid's criminology classes and how there were certain brain patterns that would indicate... But she isn't going into that now. She's known people with good parents who were rotten and vice versa.]
What does the anger make you want to do? When you think about the things that have hurt me and it makes you angry, what do you want to do about it? [She assumes his answer won't be murdering children at a toy convention, but if it is this would be a good time to find out.]
[ he clings to her as if he's drowning, and she's his life vest. if only there was some way to be sure, some test he could take that will prove that he's sane - that he'll stay that way. ]
Stop them.
[ but now that he stops to think about it...even in his darkest moments, he doesn't want to kill them. don't get him wrong, he won't cry if they end up dead - heck depending who it is, he might even be happy - but he doesn't want to strike them down. just disable.
and more, so much more than that - he wants to protect her, keep her safe, take her home with him. it's not conclusive, but maybe...this is his test? ]
Protect you. Take Kara home. Take - [ he only barely remembers to stop himself, to bite down on his lip. she asked him not to, and he knows why, he understands why. she doesn't need every specific to understand how he feels, right?
when he speaks next, it's like he just had a revelation. ]
I don't want to hurt anyone I just...don't want to let anyone get hurt, either.
[She tenderly moves her fingers through his hair.] In my not so professional opinion that doesn't sound like the kind of anger you need to worry about. [It's milder than her own. She very sincerely wanted to kill Hank when he arrived. It dissipated quickly, but it was there. It's what she would do with her world's Dark Beast. He's not the one who should worry about being a killer. She already is.]
You are a good person beating yourself up over something someone else did. He named you after him, but he can't make you be like him. You just aren't.
[ it's like his mind has gone blank with the relief. his whole life, he's been terrified to let himself feel and now - that fear isn't gone, because that's not how life works, but it's lifted, just a little.
maybe he can do it without turning into a monster after all.
love and gratitude come at him in tidal waves, washing out the ugliness that's been trapping him in his own head. not bottling things up feels amazing. he should have told kitty a long time ago because she deserves to know - but he should also have told her a long time ago because it would have set him free. how did he not think to ask himself that? for such a smart guy, he can be a total moron sometimes. and even for a total moron - he can be a totaler moron. ]
I never want to be. I told Kara -- never to let me hurt anyone. [ he's terrified of being hurt, but if the choice is becoming his father or die? give him sanity or give him death. though, he doubts kara would ever give him death. it would most likely be give him prison and extensive therapy. ]
I don't think you'd let you hurt someone. And...I don't know if this is the thing you need to hear right now or if it even makes sense. I have kind of a...skewed background. But hurting someone isn't the wrong thing to do if it's your only option to save others. It doesn't feel good. It shouldn't, but... [She takes a breath. Is she just trying to justify actions she shouldn't have taken here? She still feels like she was making the right choices back then under the circumstances though.]
I hope it's not a situation you find yourself in, but I trust you to make the right call if you do and to still be you and not him.
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[He does such a good job of hiding it and distracting her with nice things like calling her beautiful. She leans in to kiss him when she should be pressing him for more information. She does want to know him on a deeper level. She has. She's never felt so close to him as when he was telling her about his father. But she knows his world isn't like hers and sometimes she overcompensates for that and assumes things are easier and more perfect than they really are.]
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he's happy to let her think that, after everything she's been through in her life, he doesn't want her wasting her concern on him, doesn't want to make her feel any more sadness than she already has. ]
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How's Kara doing? It's been a few days since I talked to her.
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She's visiting friends a lot, keeping busy I guess.
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Friends that aren't us? [She's not jealous. This is her probing at last.]
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[ he doesn't mean to quip, but it just slips out. he's angry at himself, angry at kara, angry at the world that won't just allow him to be angry like a normal person without all this added guilt and fear and pain - she's his best friend. shouldn't he be able to tell her when she crosses a line? isn't that real friendship, coming to each other about these things instead of letting them fester beneath the surface? then why does he feel like the villain of the story? ]
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Sorry, just - we had a - [ how do you call it when one friend expresses anger at another friend until the other friend gets it and apologizes, and everyone leaves feeling worse for the experience, though the first friend feels a little less like a powder keg ready to explode? ] not!fight. Things are a little weird, guess I'm just a little highly strung.
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he wants to make this right, but he doesn't know how, doesn't know what to say. the gift he's prepared for her sits in his closet, waiting for him to man up and take it to her.
he allows himself to sink into the hug, but only for a moment. he's not sure he deserves it. ]
Just... [ now his hand goes up in his hair ] had to tell her I wasn't ok with something, she apologized. [ he wants to open up about how this is affecting him, about his doubts about himself. but kitty is kara's friend - talking to her about kara feels wrong, it feels like doing the very thing he asked kara not to. and while the argument was about kara sharing his information without his consent - it's the fact that doing so hurt kitty that led them to having it.
without all that context, though, the way he's acting probably looks pretty ridiculous. but hey, he's a ridiculous man, right? ]
We'll be fine we're just not that great at the real talks.
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She pulls back to look at him, taking one of his hands in hers and holding it.] It's a hard thing, but it's worthwhile. I mean, you can't have a real connection to someone without being able to be open and honest with them about how you feel. [She looks at him earnestly thinking only of his situation with Kara since she doesn't realize how much he's holding back from her.]
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That's what I think, too. [ he really does believe that. he just doesn't know how to find his way out of the hole of smiles and optimism he dug for himself.
he leans back into her arms, and it's all he can do to hold the waterworks in - so many emotions are battling for control inside of him, and he's not sure which he's rooting for. ]
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he pulls back, meeting her eyes again and god - she looks so trusting. what if she'll take it as a betrayal? after everything she's told him...he's been holding back so much. ]
I'm afraid you wouldn't want me if I told you. Which - is why I should've a long time ago, I'm sorry.
[ his voice is quiet, resigned, defeated. ] Do you remember I told you about -- being like my dad? [ of course she does, winn, it's one of the only substantial things you've told her about yourself. pretty easy to remember. ]
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She nods before giving a more audible answer.]
Of course.
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He was an angry man. But the quiet sort of angry, the - never tell anyone about it and bottle it up until he exploded sort of angry. And ever since that happened, I've been scared to get angry. Every time I do - I can see him right before my eyes, I can see what he's become what I could become. And for years, I've done the same thing, I buried that anger, I wanted it to not exist. But that doesn't work, and I don't want to explode, I don't want to be him, but I have so much of it inside of me especially here and I am just - so afraid that it'll consume me, eradicate all the things that set us apart and leave nothing but him behind.
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Have you been angry at me? [Her voice is gentle. She just wants the truth whatever it is.]
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[ there's nothing but honesty on his face and in his voice, as he shakes his head. ]
I'm angry at what you've been through. I'm angry at this multiverse for not giving you a break - you and Kara, you're the best people I've ever met, and it just....won't. Stop. I'm angry that Kara's stuck here without her family, that you have to lose your friends, that I don't have a solution - finding solutions is what I do it's my - one contribution to society and it's gone. [ kara told him it's not about what he does - it's about who he is. but the person that he is doesn't feel particularly worthwhile right now, so it's of little comfort. ]
I'm angry at myself, for not being the great guy you deserve. But never at you. You and Kara - [ even when he's upset with her ] you're what keeps me grounded.
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Your value isn't in solving problems. It's just you.
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Not everyone has his genes. [ he looks about as vulnerable as he must have all those years ago - when he was 11 years old and dad was dragged off by the fbi. still murdering. ] I hate this part of me. [ hate doesn't feel like a strong enough word ] I don't want it to exist and sometimes [ always. ] it's easier to pretend it doesn't. I want to be good, helpful, yours -- not his.
[ will he ever stop being haunted? please, he just wants it to stop at some point. he needs to know that this fear isn't going to be the rest of his life, isn't going to accompany every strong emotion he ever feels. ]
I just want to be a better man. [ and fake it until you make it is his method of choice. ]
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Genes don't determine that. [Of course she thinks back to Reid's criminology classes and how there were certain brain patterns that would indicate... But she isn't going into that now. She's known people with good parents who were rotten and vice versa.]
What does the anger make you want to do? When you think about the things that have hurt me and it makes you angry, what do you want to do about it? [She assumes his answer won't be murdering children at a toy convention, but if it is this would be a good time to find out.]
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Stop them.
[ but now that he stops to think about it...even in his darkest moments, he doesn't want to kill them. don't get him wrong, he won't cry if they end up dead - heck depending who it is, he might even be happy - but he doesn't want to strike them down. just disable.
and more, so much more than that - he wants to protect her, keep her safe, take her home with him. it's not conclusive, but maybe...this is his test? ]
Protect you. Take Kara home. Take - [ he only barely remembers to stop himself, to bite down on his lip. she asked him not to, and he knows why, he understands why. she doesn't need every specific to understand how he feels, right?
when he speaks next, it's like he just had a revelation. ]
I don't want to hurt anyone I just...don't want to let anyone get hurt, either.
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You are a good person beating yourself up over something someone else did. He named you after him, but he can't make you be like him. You just aren't.
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maybe he can do it without turning into a monster after all.
love and gratitude come at him in tidal waves, washing out the ugliness that's been trapping him in his own head. not bottling things up feels amazing. he should have told kitty a long time ago because she deserves to know - but he should also have told her a long time ago because it would have set him free. how did he not think to ask himself that? for such a smart guy, he can be a total moron sometimes. and even for a total moron - he can be a totaler moron. ]
I never want to be. I told Kara -- never to let me hurt anyone. [ he's terrified of being hurt, but if the choice is becoming his father or die? give him sanity or give him death. though, he doubts kara would ever give him death. it would most likely be give him prison and extensive therapy. ]
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I hope it's not a situation you find yourself in, but I trust you to make the right call if you do and to still be you and not him.
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