[He gets a kiss on his temple first for his poor splitting headache. Then she peers down at his writing. She points to one of the lines with questions.]
That's an interesting thought. It would explain how they access so many realities. At least on a basic, theoretical level.
Basic theoretical level's the only level I'm on so far.
[ and it's frustrating, but people far more brilliant than he'll ever be have dedicated their lives to studying these theories without moving to the next level.
Well, it's not exactly your direct field of interest or study, right? Then again multidimensional prisons that call themselves prisons and those that don't can make anyone suddenly take up a love of physics.
Well, there's a beautiful woman in my bed so I'd say I'm doing better than ever -
[ aside for the whole fear that he is actually losing mind and the awkwardness with kara, that is, but nobody needs to know about that, right? he's itching to tell her, to talk about everything that's been happening - in and out of his head - but he can't bring himself to say the words. ]
[He does such a good job of hiding it and distracting her with nice things like calling her beautiful. She leans in to kiss him when she should be pressing him for more information. She does want to know him on a deeper level. She has. She's never felt so close to him as when he was telling her about his father. But she knows his world isn't like hers and sometimes she overcompensates for that and assumes things are easier and more perfect than they really are.]
[ oh - victory. he returns the kiss, happy for the distraction.
he's happy to let her think that, after everything she's been through in her life, he doesn't want her wasting her concern on him, doesn't want to make her feel any more sadness than she already has. ]
[Happy kisses. She doesn't get too carried away in them just yet. She likes kissing time a lot but she also likes talking and getting to know him better and just sharing thoughts. So when she pulls away with a smile she opts for a topic that he's always good with.]
How's Kara doing? It's been a few days since I talked to her.
[ oh come on. 5 seconds? that's how long his victory gets to last? really multiverse? he clenches his fist on the bed, trying to resist the urge to tangle it in his hair or his clothes or anything that would be too painfully obvious. ]
She's visiting friends a lot, keeping busy I guess.
[Putting it in his hair would have been the more obvious tell for him, but clenching his fist on the bed is...odd. She doesn't notice it at first but when she does there's a long pause.]
Friends that aren't us? [She's not jealous. This is her probing at last.]
Well, I'm right here and you haven't talked to her in a while so -- yeah, I think that's a safe bet.
[ he doesn't mean to quip, but it just slips out. he's angry at himself, angry at kara, angry at the world that won't just allow him to be angry like a normal person without all this added guilt and fear and pain - she's his best friend. shouldn't he be able to tell her when she crosses a line? isn't that real friendship, coming to each other about these things instead of letting them fester beneath the surface? then why does he feel like the villain of the story? ]
...Yes. [It's not a very Winn-like reply at least it isn't what she's come to know and for right now she just waits quietly, expectantly for something more than sarcasm. She's not put off by it. Just a little surprised and uncertain about what it means.]
[ he looks at her for a moment, before sighing, shoulders slumping. he can blame how he's feeling on a lot of factors, and a lot of people, but not one of them's kitty, and she doesn't deserve this. ]
Sorry, just - we had a - [ how do you call it when one friend expresses anger at another friend until the other friend gets it and apologizes, and everyone leaves feeling worse for the experience, though the first friend feels a little less like a powder keg ready to explode? ] not!fight. Things are a little weird, guess I'm just a little highly strung.
[She wraps her arms around him in a hug. She knows how she'd be feeling if things were tense with her and Kurt. As much as she loves Winn, he's of her world. He understands her in ways it would take Winn years to get. She's sure it must be something like that for Winn now.] What happened?
[ it's that, coupled with the lesson the black mercy hammered into his head right before he woke up here - what she does is dangerous. they don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so he can't let her think that she's not the best thing that's ever happened to him in his whole life for a single day - because that just might be the day he loses her. but when push came to shove - he left, letting her feel she's let him down (and in a way she has, but they wouldn't be best friends if they didn't occasionally fuck up around each other - they wouldn't be themselves. they wouldn't be human, metaphorically speaking), and he hasn't been able to bring himself to knock on her door since.
he wants to make this right, but he doesn't know how, doesn't know what to say. the gift he's prepared for her sits in his closet, waiting for him to man up and take it to her.
he allows himself to sink into the hug, but only for a moment. he's not sure he deserves it. ]
Just... [ now his hand goes up in his hair ] had to tell her I wasn't ok with something, she apologized. [ he wants to open up about how this is affecting him, about his doubts about himself. but kitty is kara's friend - talking to her about kara feels wrong, it feels like doing the very thing he asked kara not to. and while the argument was about kara sharing his information without his consent - it's the fact that doing so hurt kitty that led them to having it.
without all that context, though, the way he's acting probably looks pretty ridiculous. but hey, he's a ridiculous man, right? ]
We'll be fine we're just not that great at the real talks.
[She's curious what it was about and almost asks, but she figures there is a line in there somewhere that maybe she shouldn't ask to cross.
She pulls back to look at him, taking one of his hands in hers and holding it.] It's a hard thing, but it's worthwhile. I mean, you can't have a real connection to someone without being able to be open and honest with them about how you feel. [She looks at him earnestly thinking only of his situation with Kara since she doesn't realize how much he's holding back from her.]
[ and the way she says it - so earnestly - is like a slap to his face. he swallows hard, avoiding her eyes, before nodding. ]
That's what I think, too. [ he really does believe that. he just doesn't know how to find his way out of the hole of smiles and optimism he dug for himself.
he leans back into her arms, and it's all he can do to hold the waterworks in - so many emotions are battling for control inside of him, and he's not sure which he's rooting for. ]
[ he indulges in the hug quietly for a moment, gathering up the courage to say what needs to be said - what he should have said when she tried to give him an out. he only had the nerve to mention it in passing, today it's going to have to be his turn to man up and give her the story.
he pulls back, meeting her eyes again and god - she looks so trusting. what if she'll take it as a betrayal? after everything she's told him...he's been holding back so much. ]
I'm afraid you wouldn't want me if I told you. Which - is why I should've a long time ago, I'm sorry.
[ his voice is quiet, resigned, defeated. ] Do you remember I told you about -- being like my dad? [ of course she does, winn, it's one of the only substantial things you've told her about yourself. pretty easy to remember. ]
[She's worried about him and how deeply this is hitting him. Whatever "this" is, but she'd be lying if she said there wasn't a flicker of nervousness at the way he's talking. Her initial thought is that of course she wouldn't feel that way. Of course she'd still want him whatever it is, but the thought that he's been hiding things, maybe lying to her without any idea that he was doing so is...unsettling. It's why she doesn't offer any upfront comfort to let him know it couldn't happen.
[ he wouldn't believe it if she did, anyway, not really. because she doesn't know yet. ]
He was an angry man. But the quiet sort of angry, the - never tell anyone about it and bottle it up until he exploded sort of angry. And ever since that happened, I've been scared to get angry. Every time I do - I can see him right before my eyes, I can see what he's become what I could become. And for years, I've done the same thing, I buried that anger, I wanted it to not exist. But that doesn't work, and I don't want to explode, I don't want to be him, but I have so much of it inside of me especially here and I am just - so afraid that it'll consume me, eradicate all the things that set us apart and leave nothing but him behind.
[She isn't really ready to relax once he finishes, because now she knows he's bottling things up and she doesn't know what things those are, but she can understand why he is and why it scares him. She wants to hug him again but she's not sure he'd accept it so she squeezes his hand instead.]
Have you been angry at me? [Her voice is gentle. She just wants the truth whatever it is.]
[ there's nothing but honesty on his face and in his voice, as he shakes his head. ]
I'm angry at what you've been through. I'm angry at this multiverse for not giving you a break - you and Kara, you're the best people I've ever met, and it just....won't. Stop. I'm angry that Kara's stuck here without her family, that you have to lose your friends, that I don't have a solution - finding solutions is what I do it's my - one contribution to society and it's gone. [ kara told him it's not about what he does - it's about who he is. but the person that he is doesn't feel particularly worthwhile right now, so it's of little comfort. ]
I'm angry at myself, for not being the great guy you deserve. But never at you. You and Kara - [ even when he's upset with her ] you're what keeps me grounded.
[She reaches up to gently touch his cheek.] You can show me anger, Winn. I want you to show me who you really are. I understand why you'd want to hold it back, but everyone gets angry. Everyone. Heroes too. [It's also why she should have realized something was being held back sooner. Is she missing anything else? There's been so much more self doubt since she realized Piotr betrayed her. Even over a year later she still struggles with it and it doesn't help to find out things like Logan turned into their enemy and Winn has been hiding all this anger and Margaery was telling her half truths at best. How many people has she been misjudging?]
Your value isn't in solving problems. It's just you.
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That's an interesting thought. It would explain how they access so many realities. At least on a basic, theoretical level.
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Basic theoretical level's the only level I'm on so far.
[ and it's frustrating, but people far more brilliant than he'll ever be have dedicated their lives to studying these theories without moving to the next level.
they didn't have his motivation, though. ]
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So, how are you doing? [She came in all about herself. So seems a good a time as any to make sure all is well with Winn.]
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[ he nods ]
Well, there's a beautiful woman in my bed so I'd say I'm doing better than ever -
[ aside for the whole fear that he is actually losing mind and the awkwardness with kara, that is, but nobody needs to know about that, right? he's itching to tell her, to talk about everything that's been happening - in and out of his head - but he can't bring himself to say the words. ]
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[He does such a good job of hiding it and distracting her with nice things like calling her beautiful. She leans in to kiss him when she should be pressing him for more information. She does want to know him on a deeper level. She has. She's never felt so close to him as when he was telling her about his father. But she knows his world isn't like hers and sometimes she overcompensates for that and assumes things are easier and more perfect than they really are.]
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he's happy to let her think that, after everything she's been through in her life, he doesn't want her wasting her concern on him, doesn't want to make her feel any more sadness than she already has. ]
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How's Kara doing? It's been a few days since I talked to her.
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She's visiting friends a lot, keeping busy I guess.
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Friends that aren't us? [She's not jealous. This is her probing at last.]
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[ he doesn't mean to quip, but it just slips out. he's angry at himself, angry at kara, angry at the world that won't just allow him to be angry like a normal person without all this added guilt and fear and pain - she's his best friend. shouldn't he be able to tell her when she crosses a line? isn't that real friendship, coming to each other about these things instead of letting them fester beneath the surface? then why does he feel like the villain of the story? ]
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Sorry, just - we had a - [ how do you call it when one friend expresses anger at another friend until the other friend gets it and apologizes, and everyone leaves feeling worse for the experience, though the first friend feels a little less like a powder keg ready to explode? ] not!fight. Things are a little weird, guess I'm just a little highly strung.
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he wants to make this right, but he doesn't know how, doesn't know what to say. the gift he's prepared for her sits in his closet, waiting for him to man up and take it to her.
he allows himself to sink into the hug, but only for a moment. he's not sure he deserves it. ]
Just... [ now his hand goes up in his hair ] had to tell her I wasn't ok with something, she apologized. [ he wants to open up about how this is affecting him, about his doubts about himself. but kitty is kara's friend - talking to her about kara feels wrong, it feels like doing the very thing he asked kara not to. and while the argument was about kara sharing his information without his consent - it's the fact that doing so hurt kitty that led them to having it.
without all that context, though, the way he's acting probably looks pretty ridiculous. but hey, he's a ridiculous man, right? ]
We'll be fine we're just not that great at the real talks.
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She pulls back to look at him, taking one of his hands in hers and holding it.] It's a hard thing, but it's worthwhile. I mean, you can't have a real connection to someone without being able to be open and honest with them about how you feel. [She looks at him earnestly thinking only of his situation with Kara since she doesn't realize how much he's holding back from her.]
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That's what I think, too. [ he really does believe that. he just doesn't know how to find his way out of the hole of smiles and optimism he dug for himself.
he leans back into her arms, and it's all he can do to hold the waterworks in - so many emotions are battling for control inside of him, and he's not sure which he's rooting for. ]
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he pulls back, meeting her eyes again and god - she looks so trusting. what if she'll take it as a betrayal? after everything she's told him...he's been holding back so much. ]
I'm afraid you wouldn't want me if I told you. Which - is why I should've a long time ago, I'm sorry.
[ his voice is quiet, resigned, defeated. ] Do you remember I told you about -- being like my dad? [ of course she does, winn, it's one of the only substantial things you've told her about yourself. pretty easy to remember. ]
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She nods before giving a more audible answer.]
Of course.
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He was an angry man. But the quiet sort of angry, the - never tell anyone about it and bottle it up until he exploded sort of angry. And ever since that happened, I've been scared to get angry. Every time I do - I can see him right before my eyes, I can see what he's become what I could become. And for years, I've done the same thing, I buried that anger, I wanted it to not exist. But that doesn't work, and I don't want to explode, I don't want to be him, but I have so much of it inside of me especially here and I am just - so afraid that it'll consume me, eradicate all the things that set us apart and leave nothing but him behind.
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Have you been angry at me? [Her voice is gentle. She just wants the truth whatever it is.]
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[ there's nothing but honesty on his face and in his voice, as he shakes his head. ]
I'm angry at what you've been through. I'm angry at this multiverse for not giving you a break - you and Kara, you're the best people I've ever met, and it just....won't. Stop. I'm angry that Kara's stuck here without her family, that you have to lose your friends, that I don't have a solution - finding solutions is what I do it's my - one contribution to society and it's gone. [ kara told him it's not about what he does - it's about who he is. but the person that he is doesn't feel particularly worthwhile right now, so it's of little comfort. ]
I'm angry at myself, for not being the great guy you deserve. But never at you. You and Kara - [ even when he's upset with her ] you're what keeps me grounded.
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Your value isn't in solving problems. It's just you.
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