he was so happy about it at first, but what kind of big brother is he if he can't be in the same room as sascha? he was so focused on helping sascha find his way back and now he has. it means there's nothing left to distract him from the problem of finding his own way back, and that just feels like a gaping abyss. ]
[That is extremely relaxing and she could drift off to sleep right now, but she hears something kind of sad in that yeah's undertone.] I do that too. Orphan thing I guess.
[She pauses a moment because that wasn't exactly the response she expected.] I didn't mean... I just... Just what we were talking about. [She wasn't trying to bring kids into it. She was in more of a parent/sibling place.]
[ there is some instant relaxation there. that really is the last thing he needs on his mind right now. ]
Still good with what we got. I have you - I have Kara and Jim looking out for me, Cisco and Hank to play with, Margaery and - [ he takes a breath and forces himself to include him. if he can't even say he'll never get anywhere better, either. ] Sascha to look out for. It's a good, big, well rounded family.
[ and he has other friends, too. kate, steve, tyrion, pinkie pie, maglor, wrath, vision, hermione...and people he's skirting friendship with like kurt and charles. his list is already longer than he ever thought it could be. he'd rather be able to give his all to the family he has now than to be stretched too thin between too many people. he's never been one for the big crowds. ]
That's a good list for you. [It's not her list. And if she were to give hers she'd probably only be comfortable and secure with four names—Kurt, Winn, Tyrion and Sascha, but there are others she cares about and feels connected to. More she would include in her list if she was more sure they wouldn't mind being on it.
She's glad he managed to include Sascha on it, but she can tell it was hard. For her part she's trying not to be disappointed that he was probably thinking of children and it made him so tense before.]
[ even if he didn't have preexisting concerns about parenthood - which he does - and even if he were in a state of perfect mental health - which he's pretty sure he has never been in in his life - and even if their lives weren't dominated by the atroma - the phrase biggest family of all would still have given him a panic attack in relation to kids. when they're back home and settled and consistently happy for a while - maybe he can handle one kid. two - so they'd have the sibling he's only now discovering. but he's pretty sure that's as much as he can handle in any mental state. ]
Mmmhm. I kinda love it a lot.
[ every person on the list means a lot to him. even sascha. he knows their lists don't exactly match -- but that's healthy, isn't it? they're supposed to have their separate families, and bring them together over time. they haven't taken their time with anything, and it feels like it's blowing up in their faces with all these fights. slowing down a little bit seems like a rational response. ]
[It would freak her out too! She doesn't look forward to being pregnant. It's much harder and more dangerous to fight like that! And of course she's hopefully not needing to fight anyone at the point at which they are ready to have kids. But there is always an awareness and preparedness going on with her even if it's subtle. One kid, maybe two. That sounds perfect and plenty. She doesn't expect things to be perfect, but she would like them better before really planning anything. They are closer on this than either might think. She still worries he's thinking "only never."]
Good. You deserve it. [She doesn't know how to slow down. Don't hinge things on something she doesn't know how to do!]
[ having kids never was at the top of his list of aspirations in life. but if they manage to get back home where it's safe and their relationship endures the move - then, he'd be able to consider it. it's hard to think about now because he's already changed so much over 6 months. who knows who he'll be by the time they make it back to national city? ]
I've been thinking a lot lately, about my family. I tried pretending I have no parents - you know, that didn't work. Prison break kinda...ruined that. I tried focusing on the bad, to try and distance myself from them - that backfired, I almost had myself convinced that my dad is what everyone sees when they look at me which is clearly stupid since the only person here who even met the guy is Kara. Now I'm thinking...maybe if I remember what they used to be like, I could forgive them, a little bit. Enough to stop obsessing over them and enjoy what I got.
[She kisses his cheek gently.] It's hard. But you keep trying. [And that's huge.]
I used to try and think about bad times with mine so I'd miss them less. [The soft sound of a clasp unlatching as she opens her wooden locket to look at her parents' photo.]
[ he moves his hand to softly stroke her cheek with his thumb ]
Didn't work for me, and mine were crappy people. [ it's a huge thing for him to admit that. he still misses them, despite it all. he'd never let them back into his life - but he still misses them. ] I can't imagine what it was like for you.
Extremely unsuccessful. It helped more just to spend time with the people who were there for me. [But it has never gone away. She still misses them. And she understands Winn missing his. Crappy or not they're his people.] Your parents did at least one thing right.
[ he smiles and leans back, going back to stroking her hair. ]
My mom taught me how to sew, you know. And I used to carve in my dad's workshop.
[ he reaches a hand to gently rest on her locket. ] Probably couldn't have made that without him. [ oh did he not mention that was more of his handiwork? well, does it really surprise anyone at this point? ] I don't think it's something I would've picked up on my own.
You made this? [She sounds a little surprised.] I just thought you found a craftsman to make it for you. [Which is what she did with his necklace he woke up in after his long sleep.]
That's why it's a little awkwardly shaped, I couldn't get the top to curve like I wanted it to...probably should've gone for the craftsman option, but...you know I figured. It's more personal this way?
[ it's something kara had said, when he gave her the sketch of her sister. that a picture would have just reminded her of alex but a sketch he had commissioned, and sat with the artist, describing, making sure it was as close as he could make it - reminded her of both of them. ]
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[ he settles in quietly, just stroking her hair.
he was so happy about it at first, but what kind of big brother is he if he can't be in the same room as sascha? he was so focused on helping sascha find his way back and now he has. it means there's nothing left to distract him from the problem of finding his own way back, and that just feels like a gaping abyss. ]
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[ he smiles sadly and kisses the top of her head. ]
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I'm good. With what we got. It's a quality family.
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Still good with what we got. I have you - I have Kara and Jim looking out for me, Cisco and Hank to play with, Margaery and - [ he takes a breath and forces himself to include him. if he can't even say he'll never get anywhere better, either. ] Sascha to look out for. It's a good, big, well rounded family.
[ and he has other friends, too. kate, steve, tyrion, pinkie pie, maglor, wrath, vision, hermione...and people he's skirting friendship with like kurt and charles. his list is already longer than he ever thought it could be. he'd rather be able to give his all to the family he has now than to be stretched too thin between too many people. he's never been one for the big crowds. ]
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She's glad he managed to include Sascha on it, but she can tell it was hard. For her part she's trying not to be disappointed that he was probably thinking of children and it made him so tense before.]
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Mmmhm. I kinda love it a lot.
[ every person on the list means a lot to him. even sascha. he knows their lists don't exactly match -- but that's healthy, isn't it? they're supposed to have their separate families, and bring them together over time. they haven't taken their time with anything, and it feels like it's blowing up in their faces with all these fights. slowing down a little bit seems like a rational response. ]
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Good. You deserve it. [She doesn't know how to slow down. Don't hinge things on something she doesn't know how to do!]
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I've been thinking a lot lately, about my family. I tried pretending I have no parents - you know, that didn't work. Prison break kinda...ruined that. I tried focusing on the bad, to try and distance myself from them - that backfired, I almost had myself convinced that my dad is what everyone sees when they look at me which is clearly stupid since the only person here who even met the guy is Kara. Now I'm thinking...maybe if I remember what they used to be like, I could forgive them, a little bit. Enough to stop obsessing over them and enjoy what I got.
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I used to try and think about bad times with mine so I'd miss them less. [The soft sound of a clasp unlatching as she opens her wooden locket to look at her parents' photo.]
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Didn't work for me, and mine were crappy people. [ it's a huge thing for him to admit that. he still misses them, despite it all. he'd never let them back into his life - but he still misses them. ] I can't imagine what it was like for you.
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How'd you know about their Couples Bowling Night landslide victory?
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[ he smiles and leans back, going back to stroking her hair. ]
My mom taught me how to sew, you know. And I used to carve in my dad's workshop.
[ he reaches a hand to gently rest on her locket. ] Probably couldn't have made that without him. [ oh did he not mention that was more of his handiwork? well, does it really surprise anyone at this point? ] I don't think it's something I would've picked up on my own.
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[ he smiles ]
That's why it's a little awkwardly shaped, I couldn't get the top to curve like I wanted it to...probably should've gone for the craftsman option, but...you know I figured. It's more personal this way?
[ it's something kara had said, when he gave her the sketch of her sister. that a picture would have just reminded her of alex but a sketch he had commissioned, and sat with the artist, describing, making sure it was as close as he could make it - reminded her of both of them. ]
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[ he kisses back. ]
You really had no idea? [ a little smug now, what that means it looks pretty damn good! ]
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[ he's really not good at the working out thing. ]
Actually don't - never do that. [ that would be humiliating. ]
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