Kitty - you're not doing anything to him. It's hard enough to be responsible for our actions without claiming responsibility to those of our alternate or future selves. You were never with him, you were single when you met me, and we fell in love. That is not something you should be made to feel guilty about. Him telling you - it's not about making you feel worse [ at least, he hopes it isn't because if it is he's going to lose all respect for the man. ] it's about making him feel better. [ that much he can relate to, he needed to tell kara he was in love with her, despite knowing she didn't want him to. of course, he didn't go into detail about how he felt, how her rejection made him feel, because that would have just extended the torture for both of them. but chekov isn't him. ]
You are not Reid and you are trying to take care of him and be there for him - that is more than a lot of people would be able to do. You're a good friend, not wanting to be his girlfriend shouldn't make you forget that.
[She nods slowly against him, hoping it made Chekov feel better somehow. She doesn't think he was trying to make her feel guilty. She thinks that's probably the last thing he wanted and was worried he shouldn't be saying it, but erring on honesty. Which...is exactly what she'd do in his situation. She doesn't blame him for that.]
Reid tried too. He... It doesn't matter. [Because the point is she's not Reid. He doesn't need to be a villain for that to be true. Things are different here just because they're different. Chekov isn't her. The fleet isn't the prison. She can't be afraid of it repeating because it won't.]
I know I didn't cause this. I guess I can't fix it either, can I? Not overnight. No perfect sentence or speech.
He, um, he wanted you to know he doesn't think I'll ever go back to the prison or get those memories. He doesn't think it works that way. But that even if I did, I wouldn't choose him over you.
[ he really doesn't want to hear about reid right now, so he's grateful when she drops the subject. it's hard enough dealing with chekov and he's trying - he's really trying to be thoughtful here, to see things from her point of view and from his, not to make a bad situation worse.
but what about his point of view? at what point does he get to matter? is it such a crime against humanity that for once someone loves him that he should be punished for it? he can feel fantasies of punching the guy starting to drift into his head, the same way they used to with james. nothing he would act on, but man. it would just be so satisfying. she told him no, she told him she's with winn, and he gets her being hard to give up on but if he claims she was never fully into him then what is he trying to pull here? ]
Afraid not. [ he doesn't find that reassurance reassuring. it feels like another self deprecating stab at kitty's heart. he has nothing nice to say, so he opts for saying nothing at all. ]
[Kitty cares about Winn's point of view. She doesn't want him to have to change anything because of all this. She doesn't want him to feel like he lost the Tourist. She doesn't want him to feel like they have to hide their love.
To be fair, she also doesn't want him to punch Chekov.
But what she's about to say might make that worse.]
He talked to Kara about this. He apologizes for that.
[ maybe he should just cut out his own heart, make the process easier.
he didn't talk to kara about this because he didn't want to make his acclimation process worse. he didn't talk to his best friend. who called him out on it. who doesn't take not being told stuff that great. because he didn't want to hurt him.
so of course chekov's next move would be to tell her himself, why wouldn't it be. and yes, it was his own decision, but come on. he's trying to be a good person here, to do the right thing, can you cut him any slack? ]
He can tell anyone whatever he wants. [ but he can't keep the bitterness down entirely. ] Be sure to give him Cisco's number. And Hank's, when he wakes up.
[She looks worried. Not the sarcasm. She understands that. She couldn't have directed Chekov to a worse choice of someone to talk to. Not that she really thinks all this needs to be a secret. He says it should be theirs to talk about, but she thinks Chekov needs to talk about it most of all. She and Winn have each other.] Hank is in a coma?
[ because life doesn't suck enough right now. but still he tries to make light because he knows kitty is upset and he doesn't want to turn things around here. he wants to be there for her, he has 16 days to make up for. ]
[She hugs him tighter, but she cares about Hank too. Somehow she went from wanting to throw him out an airlock on arrival to him being someone she really trusts and enjoys. This is for both of them.] ...Ravi too. Have I mentioned I'm really unhappy with the Atroma this month? [Winn, Kurt, Ravi, and Hank all in comas. Getting one of her best friends only for it to be drama.] I feel like I should call Tyrion and make sure he's okay.
[ and to him, if he's perfectly honest with himself and not clinging to what things are like back home...hank's probably his best friend. true, they don't really talk about the things that are bothering them, not like he talks to jim, or even kara. but there's a comfort in that too, in knowing that hank would never push him. he feels totally comfortable with hank, knows he can say as much or as little as he wants and it'll be fine. they can work on projects together, goof around like a couple of idiots, talk relationships, or just sit and drink and keep each other company while one is going through something.
he's going through so much right now. he really needs hank's calming companionship. is he lame enough to hang out in his room when raven's not there?
yes. yes he absolutely is. ]
Should I get your comm? [ hey, he wouldn't blame her. and if tyrion wants to drop by with some potent drinks, well, he wouldn't be totally against that. ]
I know. [ but he also knows she wants that for chekov, too, and in trying too hard to get that for him, she could end up making all of them suffer worse. ] I love you.
I love you. [Meeting his eyes and warmly clasping one of those gentle hands of his in hers.]
I'm going to write him back [a form of communication she almost never uses as her boyfriend would know] and thank him for being honest and tell him that I need time with you now that you're awake again and that I'll see him later and he should feel free to talk to anyone he needs to.
[ he brings that hand to his lips and gives it a soft kiss. ]
You should tell him whatever you want to tell him. [ he knows she's more of a sharer than he is, he doesn't want her to go changing for his sake. not gonna say he doesn't like that message, though, because...yeah. he wants her to be with him, and to make it clear that while she cares about chekov's feelings - they're not going to change her mind. ]
[Then he'd be happy to know it's what she wants to say, not what she thinks Winn wants her to say. She's not ready to try to respond to all of what he said and she's not sure she needs to or should. It doesn't mean she won't share more later, but she's already told Chekov how she feels. It hasn't changed. He knows. He doesn't need to keep hearing that he's her friend and nothing more. And she doesn't need to keep hearing he loves her.]
It's what I want to tell him.
Can we stay in tonight? I promise to be more fun tomorrow.
[She will happily accept that kiss.] I know, but I do want to have fun with you. Get some kind of sexy, shimmery water clothes that aren't going to make sense anywhere else again. Swim around with you. Maybe go to one of their games. [Brushing back his hair.]
[She gets up, legs feeling a little sore from the cramped position she'd been in before. She hugs him again instead of going for the communicator and then kisses and then finally gets on with it.]
[She types it out, and then types more, deletes, types, deletes, types, deletes. She might have committed quicker if Winn had been in the room, but maybe this is the best message to give in the end. She hears the shower running and feels torn. Should she try to join him and see if she can put this behind her and change the mood? Is she up for that? Is he? Winn might need some time and this device might beep back at her soon. She's not sure if that would be good or not.]
[ that's exactly why he left her alone; he doesn't want her to write something quickly just to get back to him and later regret it. he loves her way too much for that.
he doesn't take his time in the shower, but he doesn't rush it either, and a few minutes later he comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist and wet hair. he gives her a little smile - questioning and encouraging - as he heads for his clothes. something homey....he'll go for fuzzy pajama bottoms and his supergirl t-shirt. doesn't get any homier than that. ]
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You are not Reid and you are trying to take care of him and be there for him - that is more than a lot of people would be able to do. You're a good friend, not wanting to be his girlfriend shouldn't make you forget that.
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Reid tried too. He... It doesn't matter. [Because the point is she's not Reid. He doesn't need to be a villain for that to be true. Things are different here just because they're different. Chekov isn't her. The fleet isn't the prison. She can't be afraid of it repeating because it won't.]
I know I didn't cause this. I guess I can't fix it either, can I? Not overnight. No perfect sentence or speech.
He, um, he wanted you to know he doesn't think I'll ever go back to the prison or get those memories. He doesn't think it works that way. But that even if I did, I wouldn't choose him over you.
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but what about his point of view? at what point does he get to matter? is it such a crime against humanity that for once someone loves him that he should be punished for it? he can feel fantasies of punching the guy starting to drift into his head, the same way they used to with james. nothing he would act on, but man. it would just be so satisfying. she told him no, she told him she's with winn, and he gets her being hard to give up on but if he claims she was never fully into him then what is he trying to pull here? ]
Afraid not. [ he doesn't find that reassurance reassuring. it feels like another self deprecating stab at kitty's heart. he has nothing nice to say, so he opts for saying nothing at all. ]
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To be fair, she also doesn't want him to punch Chekov.
But what she's about to say might make that worse.]
He talked to Kara about this. He apologizes for that.
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he didn't talk to kara about this because he didn't want to make his acclimation process worse. he didn't talk to his best friend. who called him out on it. who doesn't take not being told stuff that great. because he didn't want to hurt him.
so of course chekov's next move would be to tell her himself, why wouldn't it be. and yes, it was his own decision, but come on. he's trying to be a good person here, to do the right thing, can you cut him any slack? ]
He can tell anyone whatever he wants. [ but he can't keep the bitterness down entirely. ] Be sure to give him Cisco's number. And Hank's, when he wakes up.
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[ because life doesn't suck enough right now. but still he tries to make light because he knows kitty is upset and he doesn't want to turn things around here. he wants to be there for her, he has 16 days to make up for. ]
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he's going through so much right now. he really needs hank's calming companionship. is he lame enough to hang out in his room when raven's not there?
yes. yes he absolutely is. ]
Should I get your comm? [ hey, he wouldn't blame her. and if tyrion wants to drop by with some potent drinks, well, he wouldn't be totally against that. ]
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How are you doing, Winn? I know this has been a lot.
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I just want you to be happy. [ or at least, that's how he's trying to do. to push down the anger and focus on kitty. ]
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I know. [ but he also knows she wants that for chekov, too, and in trying too hard to get that for him, she could end up making all of them suffer worse. ] I love you.
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I'm going to write him back [a form of communication she almost never uses as her boyfriend would know] and thank him for being honest and tell him that I need time with you now that you're awake again and that I'll see him later and he should feel free to talk to anyone he needs to.
How does that sound?
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You should tell him whatever you want to tell him. [ he knows she's more of a sharer than he is, he doesn't want her to go changing for his sake. not gonna say he doesn't like that message, though, because...yeah. he wants her to be with him, and to make it clear that while she cares about chekov's feelings - they're not going to change her mind. ]
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It's what I want to tell him.
Can we stay in tonight? I promise to be more fun tomorrow.
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[ he gives her a gentle kiss, this time to her lips. ]
Staying in is perfect. [ he's not exactly in an exploring getting things done mood himself. ]
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We have time. [ his most hopeful mantra. they have the rest of their lives together. it may not be on a water planet, but they'll have fun anywhere. ]
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As you wish. [ or really, if you must, but the rest of the world not existing for a while sounds great to him. ]
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he doesn't take his time in the shower, but he doesn't rush it either, and a few minutes later he comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist and wet hair. he gives her a little smile - questioning and encouraging - as he heads for his clothes. something homey....he'll go for fuzzy pajama bottoms and his supergirl t-shirt. doesn't get any homier than that. ]
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