I don't know if you'll ever get these if you do come back or if they're going out to a live feed for the Atroma or if I'm just talking. I'm not even sure what's best. Probably not the Atroma one.
Anyway... I almost left you a message on your birthday. I decided to get very drunk instead. Try not to scroll back through the network. It was messy. You're scrolling right now aren't you? [There's a flicker of a smile. It's a nice thought that he could be back reading this.] I thought about it again on Valentine's Day, but Chekov wanted to meet up. And no, it was not a date. I'm not dating him or anyone else. He was just worried about a repeat of your birthday probably. This isn't about him. I'm getting sidetracked. [Like she's arguing an old issue that isn't even relevant with him gone. But he never really feels gone to her.]
Tomorrow is the day we met. Remember? I said my name is Lose and you told me I was better than a show pony. Yeah, I may have listened to that conversation once or twice or sixty times since you've been gone. Hard to say. Who counts? You were so cute. Are. You are cute. Wherever you are.
I think I figured out what makes these days harder. It's not that it makes me think of you, because... [Her voice dips out and she takes a moment to get herself back and track. Not going to cry.] Because a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about you. These days just make me feel like maybe this is when you'll come back to me. I mean, if this whole thing is a reality show what better timing to reunite us, right? And then the day comes and goes and it doesn't happen and...it sucks. Every day that you don't come back sucks.
I'm going to figure it out. I'm getting lots of practice. Next is April 1st. Our first kiss and also make out session in a janitor's closet, but it sounds classier as first kiss. April 22nd was our first dance. Also the having of sex, but again, classy. May 11th, the anniversary of losing you. We were together 405 days. Which makes June 21 the day I'll officially have lost you longer than I had you. I mean unless you count it back from the day we met, but that's probably enough heartbreak math. I think I already proved the point that I need a hobby. [Too much thinking about something that hurts. Maybe she's pushing through it this way, but it's a long damn march.]
I don't know. Maybe it's better if you don't get this. I don't want you to feel bad and you probably will because I know how much you'd want me to be happy. This isn't your fault. Please don't ever think that or think that I think that.
I hope you're safe and happy wherever you are. Is it another place like this? Did they take your memories or make you cuddle someone to keep your world alive? Is it National City after all? Are you in those tanks I saw back in Marina when we were in cold storage? I guess if you were here you wouldn't be listening to all this. You'd just be holding me and I'd be holding you and we'd get to the answers eventually. That sounds nice. [Getting choked up again.]
I'm just rambling now. I should probably stop. It's just...I miss talking to you, so it's hard to stop. [But she's clearly getting close to tears.] Okay, I'm cutting this off.
[video] March 1
I don't know if you'll ever get these if you do come back or if they're going out to a live feed for the Atroma or if I'm just talking. I'm not even sure what's best. Probably not the Atroma one.
Anyway... I almost left you a message on your birthday. I decided to get very drunk instead. Try not to scroll back through the network. It was messy. You're scrolling right now aren't you? [There's a flicker of a smile. It's a nice thought that he could be back reading this.] I thought about it again on Valentine's Day, but Chekov wanted to meet up. And no, it was not a date. I'm not dating him or anyone else. He was just worried about a repeat of your birthday probably. This isn't about him. I'm getting sidetracked. [Like she's arguing an old issue that isn't even relevant with him gone. But he never really feels gone to her.]
Tomorrow is the day we met. Remember? I said my name is Lose and you told me I was better than a show pony. Yeah, I may have listened to that conversation once or twice or sixty times since you've been gone. Hard to say. Who counts? You were so cute. Are. You are cute. Wherever you are.
I think I figured out what makes these days harder. It's not that it makes me think of you, because... [Her voice dips out and she takes a moment to get herself back and track. Not going to cry.] Because a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about you. These days just make me feel like maybe this is when you'll come back to me. I mean, if this whole thing is a reality show what better timing to reunite us, right? And then the day comes and goes and it doesn't happen and...it sucks. Every day that you don't come back sucks.
I'm going to figure it out. I'm getting lots of practice. Next is April 1st. Our first kiss and also make out session in a janitor's closet, but it sounds classier as first kiss. April 22nd was our first dance. Also the having of sex, but again, classy. May 11th, the anniversary of losing you. We were together 405 days. Which makes June 21 the day I'll officially have lost you longer than I had you. I mean unless you count it back from the day we met, but that's probably enough heartbreak math. I think I already proved the point that I need a hobby. [Too much thinking about something that hurts. Maybe she's pushing through it this way, but it's a long damn march.]
I don't know. Maybe it's better if you don't get this. I don't want you to feel bad and you probably will because I know how much you'd want me to be happy. This isn't your fault. Please don't ever think that or think that I think that.
I hope you're safe and happy wherever you are. Is it another place like this? Did they take your memories or make you cuddle someone to keep your world alive? Is it National City after all? Are you in those tanks I saw back in Marina when we were in cold storage? I guess if you were here you wouldn't be listening to all this. You'd just be holding me and I'd be holding you and we'd get to the answers eventually. That sounds nice. [Getting choked up again.]
I'm just rambling now. I should probably stop. It's just...I miss talking to you, so it's hard to stop. [But she's clearly getting close to tears.] Okay, I'm cutting this off.
I love you.
[Shutting it off in a rush after that.]